The Devil is stirring

The Devil (illness) inside me is stirring at the moment, hes testing my patience and my strength.

I had Freddy visit me and he was not nice at all creating havoc along the way and now the Devil is stirring within inside of me, its like they playing tag at the moment.

What is an auto immune disease ??

At the moment my immune system has gone to war on my body and built up bacteria within my body, my body thinks it has the flu, it feels like I’m carrying a bag of bricks and the feeling of wiped out. No matter how much i managed it or if i have a good day I’m still battling with the devil everyday, he hides in the shadows just plotting and waiting.

Armed with some antibiotics and rest when i can im hoping i come right or its bloods to see what is going on, as the Dr puts it I’m complex with a lot of different illness and i can go down pretty quick.

“Meet Pablo”

Meet Pablo, he’s my best friend and makes my bad days a little less lonley.

I never realized there is such thing as an emotional support cat I can understand the benefits and why cats and other animals are used to help us humans out.

There are so many benefits to having an emotional support cat like:

  • Companionship helps with those lonley days.
  • Reducing pain.
  • Reducing stress.
  • Lowers aniexty.
  • Sense of calm and been relaxed.
  • Helps with mental health like depression.

Adventures of Pablo aka demon mittens, he’s fussy as hell, everything is on her terms, has a foot fetish, attacks hands and has a pretty cool personality. He knows when I’m not well and he seems to know when I just need some snuggles with me.

What animal or animals do you have ? Share a photo 📸 📷

“Homegrown 2023”

New Zealand lacks big music events where are other countries have massive music events.

Homegrown is in Wellington, it showcases New Zealand music artists over 5 stages with various genres, held at the Wellington water front.

Left home at 6am this morning, still about couple hours of driving, it’s things like this I look forward to. I’ll update with photos 😉

“Dear daughter”

Happy 22nd birthday beautiful lady, I hope you have amazing day.

Been about month since my daughter stop talking to me and this is not the first time this has happened but this time it hurts a little different this time things are very different now. Let me start from the beginning how becoming a mum was never straight forward for me and how my first born has always been a tug of War.

Scared, anxious and completely freaking out when I found out I was going to become a mum I didn’t enjoy the pregnancy as I was quite sick and the father well that’s whole different story. And I was raised in dysfunction and had many parents and went through alot as a child, a few traumatic events and the worst thing is I didn’t have that mum to look up to I took on my closet friends mums instead and learnt through them so becoming a mum was like trying to figure it out as I went along.

Becoming a mum was nothing like the movies and I was struggling, I had a partner that was not committed, helped when it suited him. She was a terrible sleeper and with the birth not been a great experience we lacked the bonding phase. Regardless of the hurdles, the constant pressure, trying to build a family with only that idea that’s in your mind what you want or see as a family.

She had the most amazing blue eyes, blonde curls, with a free spirited attitude and the dislike of been told what to do, my daughter was packed with sass and attitude, she learnt quick and grew up just as fast. Unfortunately things took a turn for the worst and instead of been a mum I was been picked apart from agencies, my family and the dad was becoming toxic and rather suffocating and becoming a mum became my own personal battle.

My eldest became a big sister as much as she loved been a sister and having someone else to teach and grow together instead there was jealousy and alot of dysfunction happening, the image I had was gone as the days passed I became the mum that was single, diagnosed with endometriosis and was in the fight of my life to prove I was a good mum, as the years passed the days were dark I never thought I would survive let alone have my girls back home with me, spent 7 years fighting the system, girls dad, my family it was like living in hell with no escape. Blessed with a son 💙 I vowed I never make the same mistakes.

As I look back at the many challenges and how my eldest daughter and I continue to struggle with our relationship at times very strained. The constant learning I do I realize that certain behaviors are not ok and as much as love her I need her to take some much needed time to accept her responsibilities, take accountability and get some much needed help and break the cycle of dysfunction.

Dear daughter……

I’m writing you this letter as a mum and your friend. Your the one who made me mum. You were beautiful and packed with attitude, you were never really the cuddly baby more free spirited and thought and did things way more older then you were. I know life has not been easy and I take my responsibility in those things, hurdles, challenges that caused dysfunction in life. At 22 years of age and been a mum your self and he is one lucky boy to have you as mum you have a lot of growing and healing to do ensure you don’t give him dysfunction, with you realizing it you are doing just that. Your behaviors will have a negative effect on your boy and using him like you do and constantly taken him away from me and other family members when we don’t conform is wrong, it also is wrong to play games with peoples emotions, it’s also wrong to use people for your own benefits, it’s also wrong to use your parents against each other. I understand your not had it easy but with out realizing it you were spolit child, never really missed out on things and as mum I never stopped fighting to get her home. I know you have caring side, I know you will help people when needed, I know you can be anything you want if you put your mind to it. I will aways have a place for you in my heart, the door is open and no matter what I will always be mum. It was time for me to put boundaries in my life and so no more to the ugly behavior that not only effects me, your siblings and many other people around you. Hope one day soon you will stop listening to your dad and making the wrong choices, instead be that little girl I remember the one who had dreams, the free spirit and would stand up for what she wanted. Love mum ❤

“Making memories”



We already into the second month of the year and here in New Zealand the school has term has started and we had few public holidays so the weeks have felt short and i feel so behind.

Went on road trip and caught up with friends, my youngest daughter (20) and went on adventure in the capital of New Zealand Wellington the weekend was awesome i have spent all week recovering from it but it was all worth it and its these moments that i treasure and take lots of photos its a great way to help me puch me through the hard days.

Wellington is windy and rather hilly so was the zoo worth every little niggle for an amazing day out i dont see my daughter as much as she living her life and lives about three hours away its moments like this that are precious to me.

Wellington Zoo

Wellington City

Holidays are for relaxing and enjoying the moment and some much needed time to switch off, enjoy the surroundings, the bonding time and the experience.

“The pain in my head”

The pain in my head

My mental health has been wrecked latley and finding it hard to process that all this pain and constant issues to my face was caused by someone who claimed they would never hit me and they loved me. Has this assult changed me ?? The way i look at life and im not as trusting anymore, some day my aniexty is all over the place, flashback or triggers i guess im little fragile i also learnt my voice and im aware of what domestic violence is. It was like turning on a light and i could finally see a way out, it was going to take every last bit of strength to leave and take back my life.

The universe was setting off a chain of events to send me home and make me face my demons, take back my life and make the life i always wanted……

I made the call to see my ex one last time and tell him we are done and what he had done to me was not acceptable and he was not to contact me, this was the hardest thing i had to do i knew it was done the day his fist connected with my face, this was May he was still texting till september he did not want to accept we were done he still manged to pop up in facebook groups and the odd concert but 18 months on i have made sure i stood by what i said to him, i ended up going thru different places to live and just got to much and i left the wairapapa/manawatu for good and every bad memory there and like i said the universe was sending me home.

Lets talk about post concussion syndrome.

Basically i didnt think there was anything wrong a little bit an indention, bruising, i was in survial mode my son was schooling over there i had a matter of days to find some where to stay as i didnt want to cause anymore unsettle and my poor body was wrecked with all the stress. I just got on with things few weeks later i was at the dr they were telling me it was hayfever and a sinus infection armed with new medications i got on with life the pain was not going away, i felt like shit i just wanted to sleep so back to the dr and i mention the assult and then it was you have TMJ syndrome more medication again i got on with life.

Present day- Brand new doctor and we got talking as the pain and the right side of my face causing chaos in my life and i just was not getting better and finally the dr confirms post concussion syndrome.

Post concussion syndrome

Mild Traumatic brain injury occurs when symptoms last longer than expected, the time period can be weeks or months not everyone experiences this.

Symptoms can be different for everyone but the most common sympton is headaches followed with fogginess,fatigue, amnesia, sleep problems, mood changes, cognitive problems like memory, concentration these occur after am injury to the head, sometimes there is a delay.

The way to treat it with rest and mimimize stress, medications, referals to other people like neurologist for me im doing physio and been refered to pain and concussion clinic.

Most people recover from post concussion

Heres a wee video on post concussion syndrome.

Every day is hard im at home more than ever because i can control the sound, light and the people that come and see me. I wake up everyday with headache and somedays are worst than others, i literally have to give my body a scan and work out how my day will look. Sometimes it case of getting up and doing a little bit and then lying back down for a while, the smallest tasks fell like they take forever to do, im so dertimined to work even if it is only about 8 hours a week it gives me motivation and something to get me me out of bed and more so out of the house. Somedays im in so much pain i just fake a smile and get on with things i will not let this beat me or define me as a person, somedays im i fell like im playing russian roulette and i dont know what illness is going to add on top of this stuff. Im angry, hurt and so over the headaches and every other symptom, im tired of fighting for a good day or just be able to do a simple task.

Stay tuned for the next blog where ill talk about upper cx dsyfuncton and TMJ this is another thing im dealing with from this assult….

“Mumma bears reflection”

Part 2

Waking up everyday with the constant reminder, it’s like a song on repeat it a reminder of me allowing a toxic narcisst person in my life and blinded by the nice gestures, the feeling of wanting to be loved.

Dizziness,constant right head pain, ear discomfort, vertigo, eating a simple meal is hard work, sleeping is not so great, constant headaches, having a conversation has become hard work this is me 18 mths on there is no escape from the pain.

It’s taken 18 months to figure out what’s going on and I finally got some much needed answers and the realization of how much one person has effected my life and they get to walk around and live their life with totally disregard to his actions. I’m angry, hurt and completely broken inside.

I’m over the ignorance and lack of understanding on some people’s remarks, I was a victim to domestic violence and now I’m survivor calling him out, it’s not ok for my cousin or let alone my ex to think that their relationship bothers me, I actually find it quite sick and absolute disgusting, I remember the horrible things he said about her so using her to be close to me or to remain in my family is not ok and to the people that think it’s ok it’s not.

May 2021 i took two punches to the face, right side, his words “it was just slap”, look here douchebag you will never be allowed to lay another hand on a women, I may be number 4 on your list there is no more hiding, you can’t go around emotionally abusing someone, you can’t go around using physiological abuse on someone.

Friday the 2 December 2022 was confirmed from the assult has resulted in jaw sprain, tmj, post concussion there is no quick fix it’s long term and ongoing physio is required, new medication to relief the pain. First initial physio appt find out that I have upper cx disfunction basically my jaw not working propley and cervicgenic headaches as my neck muscles etc are not working propley, acupuncture is required.

You add this to my already extensive list of illness, it’s like a mind feild, walking around, constant tip toeing around hoping not to set the mines off, if they go off it’s going to be explosion of symptoms and misfiring.

The bed has become my friend, some days are more lonely then others, having enough energy to go to work and do the simple shit my energy levels get depleted pretty fast. My mental health has taken a huge toll, the emotions are like the ocean the constant waves of emotions coming and going.

I truly appreciate the people who are in my life the new the old, the last 18 months has been one hell of ride, they shared their stories, inspired me, yoga adventures, learning to live simple and the memories I have made. Heres to 2023 and what does this year have in store for me.

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