New beginnings

Unfortunately my charger for my laptop went south so I had to buy new one,so the ole website been a bit neglected, working off phone has been challenging.

I have had the toughest week and sadley when things go to crap my body does not take to it kindly, every bit of me hurts and it’s around 9, finally had my first proper meal and God it was good, we are settling into our new place and starting to feel like home.

This week has taught me a few things.

  • Finding the positive in a shitty situation
  • Having a powerful mind can get you thru the worst day.
  • Appreciate the people who come to you in a time of need and not once ask for anything
  • That any form of abuse is not ok and how powerful it can effect your life
  • Looking after your mental health is top priority
  • Been grateful for things that come to you

No matter what life is throwing at you, never give up, and take my advice, try find the positive and reach out for help don’t be ashamed.

It’s not ok…

Life has been challenging me every which way, I want to share my story of wanting to be loved and my illness and pain to be accepted, Im not one to give up on the first sign of trouble or the first argument. But today was my breaking point.

I have been abused mentally from my kids father and cheated on so many times I lost count, my ex husband did the same, I vowed to myself and to my children that I never go or put them through this shit again.

The whole last five years with my best friend, partner, has been a challenge it’s had some dark days and had some amazing adventures. He broke my trust when he left me two years ago for another chick that broke me it thru me into a dark place, no I still loved him and decided there’s still something there and things have been pretty good and I started feeling like we were in good place, then the disappearing started, not interested in me, insults came back and I knew my gut was telling me something not right.

Today has been the hardest, I never thought the person who’s suppose to love me, support me would lay a hand on me but he did and in that moment I never seen him this angry, and then I felt the punch and the head spin and I knew everything was done and what we had was broken into million peices.

I’m reaching to everyone that’s going thru something similar, it’s not worth the mental toll it takes on you and it’s not ok for someone to insult you, stabbed at your limitations and make feel like shit, it’s not ok to go to sleep at night feeling not wanted, it’s not ok to be physically abused. Think about this you have one life don’t waste it on someone who can do the above.

Let that sink in

I will continue to transform and continue to build my life the way I want it.

I must heal and reflect and focus on my amazing adventure of life coaching.

Change comes from reflection

I have been a bit quite lately I had alot on my plate let alone a complete emotional basket case, the ole head been a bit forgettable.

The last 8 days I’m been doing my grateful challenge and i hope your been reading and having time to maybe look at yourself and challenge your self, I have found it great it’s opened up my mind and taking me to a place to reflect.

My best friend pasted away a year ago on his daughters birthday, its been a time of sharing memories, reflecting and celebrations in the last few days and definitely makes you think you just don’t know what tommorow will bring let alone when your times up on earth. Last night was fish n chips and a bourbon at the beach at one of his favourite spots.

It’s not good bye I’ll see you soon

Got some self care in hair trim and a colour and took my daughter out for sushi.

My view for the early drive to see my daughter

I have passed my first paper for my life coaching certificate 81%,and it’s got me excited so I can offically say I have name NirVana life coaching and created a mission statement so keep checking my blog for updates.

Business logo

As of yesterday officially finished my certificate in tikanga Maori, I have loved this journey and learnt so much.

Tommorow the day I get my weigh in and measurements 7 weeks gym life and as much as it’s hard to push thru the pain, faituge and keep going, well recommend water aerobics with anyone with a disiblities or chronic pain.

Help I have teenager !!!!

My week started with a complete crash and boom and the week had not even started….

Rewind back to Sunday my son is 14 has attitude to boot thinks I’m some bloody millionaire and has no idea how quickly I get tired and sadley I can’t do everything he wants to do. We watched the funeral of Prince Phillip while his sister was at work, and here in New Zealand we on school holidays.

My son is like a volcano in stages before it erupts just picture this:

  • Level 1-tremours start, the snarky remarks stage
  • Level 2-little gas explosions,the whiny starts,poor me,shit life
  • Level 3-steam is rising,combination of snarky and whiny
  • Level 4-ash fallout, this where mum about to pull out can of whoop ass
  • Level 5-lava spewing out,oh shits it erupting,this where heated words exchange,your grounded

I honestly thought my girls were aweful as teens but my son is a sensitive wee sausage and gets mad over stupid crap,take look at the video and just laugh in agony of parents with teens, they should come with warning labels and a bloody manual !!!

Rambling again but thanks to my son and his sudden eruption caused my stress levels to rise like a boiling jug he put me in the biggest bitchest mood, as I packed my shit to come home and in amoungst the bullshit I left my charger,medication,glasses at my daughter’s, god I was like f5 tornado when I got home, threw my crap out my bag, had a hissy fit, partner is trying to sleep and as he didn’t really acknowledge me I was home so I threw my toys out the cot and slept on the lazy boy. Ill be the first to admit my tantys make everyone laugh as my wee family knows it’s part of everything I’m going thru and I don’t deal well with stress and the best thing I can do now is look back and laugh, my son and I laugh about it and learn from it and move on from it.

My family is my everything

I never realized how much my illness and chronic pain had effect on my children”

My eldest always been a free spirit and had her way of doing things so she been living her life and now a mum and has her own family,she has never really seen or experienced what her siblings have when it comes to me been sick, where my other daughter has been through it all with me and we just formed such a different relationship as she had to deal with been austic,her own health issues and worrying and looking after me and I vowed I never hold back my children, where my son we had a close relationship as his dad has never been in his life so he’s only had me so when I got sick he just couldn’t understand and just got angry and one stage he was heading down a crappy path as I been with my best friend of 5 years the decision was made he was going to stay with him, new school and the dad figure he so much needs, the hardest decision to make but I look back now and he is thriving, his report was outstanding and our bond is stronger than ever even with the volcanic eruptions.

Now it’s my daughters turn to spread her wings and gain her independence and stop worrying about me she’s 18 studying and learning how to pay bills, she is slowly starting to live on her own and we are slowing separating in a good way.

As I look back on my crappy start to the week it’s also shown me how far my kids have come and resilient we all are they never chose to have a sick mum but with that said we grown so stronger and our bond is unbreakable no matter what life throws at us.

It’s now my turn to look after me and let my older children be free and allow my son to grow I don’t need to worry now, it’s my time to transform and get to a managed point to allow more good days with my children and most of all my grandson.

My beautiful grandson 😍

What Kermit the Frog would say about a Bad Day!!

Hi ho kermit the frog here…………

Now i have your attention and the help of kermit the frog lets talk

My bad day adventures...

  • The head feels likes in a blender and its some shit head is pressing the pulse button.
  • The toliet needs to be close in case of a sudden explosion
  • I droped the frying pan and started crying
  • Im been the moodest bitch today, im like a snapping turtle
  • I left my eftpos card at home had to use my sons
  • Tried to start the car with the wrong key

These types of days happen alot and i could easily pull a blanket over my head and stay in bed and be grumpy as my daughter says ‘are you bit salty there’ , I have fibro flares that can put me in a state which flows on to having a bad day or just as simple as shit day, i have created ways to over come a bad day.

My 5 tips get through a bad day.

  • Laugh im been serious i learnt a sense of humour is needed and im quite happy to laugh at my self, no need to be grumpy
  • Have a moment where you just crank up the music , bit of tragic karoke
  • Find one postitive regardless of how bad the day is
  • Surround your self with family, maybe friend could be phone call,video call,coffee date or watching a movie
  • Eat,Drink and rest you got to nourish the body,hydrate the body and allow the body to rest

As its one of my tips and its must for me is to find that postitve through my crappy day.

My postive for the day

I left home just after lunch heading to my daughters place for a coiuple days and had my son coming along with the road trip, we have not had many moments where its just been us, as he has hit the teen years mum is not so cool to hang out with it, we were chatting and jamming out in the car the terriable karakoe, the weird looks from other drivers jamming to old school 90s this is included my son singing britney spears-baby one more time it was you had to be there moment, to my daughter and i trying to figure out tick toc again the son jumps in to save the day,to finish the night with a homemade burger and writing my blog to watching trashy married at first sight, my daughter is 18 and my son is 14 they love to hate each other i go in to say night they both in the same bed seperate blankets watching tv, its a rare moment of sibling love and bonding.

Homemade burgers made from love

My favourite song to crank loud to a bad day

enjoy

The nightmare I’m traped in

My advice to you is to find that spark and follow your dreams and your heart life is so short no matter how hard the journey may be

I had a doctors appointment and its super annoying when your in the hard basket, so four years ago my love hate relationship started with the doctors here in New Zealand yes we are lucky most of healthcare through the hospital is free and doctors and prescription costs are ok but there one big issue i have is we dont the relationship like we use to with our doctor we had that one family doctor knew everything and took the time with you now i feel like a number. I have gone through so many doctors because i will not just settle with a doctor who thinks googling my symptoms are ok, just loose weight, we give you some pain medications and you be fine, we just dont know what wrong with you, do some exercise.

Well i can tell you i had my tantrums, i had my tears and i defiantly had the thoughts of bugger this im done i cant keep doing this, but there is fire still burning and the push to keep going and fight for the right medical care and get more people to understand that some conditions are invisible and just that not easy to fix and can effect so much of someones life, im one voice and like me there is others speaking up and asking the same questions. Im on to my fifth doctor and i had to seek advocacy to get heard and things moving so i can least have some sort of normal life and a way to be able to manage my pain and conditions.  Im not asking for much just some compassion and some much needed answers to why my body acts this way and does the things it does.So to date which is four years and counting for me the doctors still have not been able to get my doses right for my thyroid im hypothyroidism so this effects my body in many ways weight, temperature and the way my organs function, i got told i had fibro and no specialist or someone telling me what this is and how do i manage it, gyno never follow up on my endometriosis and never take anything i say seriously, i have auto immune disease or disease and still have no idea what honestly the list is endless. The hard part for me how much this has effected my life and the mental toll it has one minute im healthy and watching my kids grow up going out with friends and road trips and life was good i had all this energy and then it was like i woke up in a nightmare and im trapped and im spinning around and im asking for help and no one can here me or help me and i dont know when the nightmare will stop.

So I got this wee spark left in me i will work again so ill use this time to heal me and learn crazy ways of dealing with this nightmare and hope that i will find my answers and i get that one doctor who is kind and compassionate and wont give up on me and to use this time to reach out to people, create my tool box to get me through the mental crap, and try some new things and upkill my skills to better myself as a support worker,watch my grandson grow and most of have some adventures and put me first.

Sucide is raising

I’m in alot of support groups online and unfortunately I’m reading more and more that another endo sister has taken her life, why sucide you ask because you can only cope with so much, the stigma around invisible illness, lack of support the no cure the list is endless and it is sad that women feel sucide is there is only last option. This is one of reasons I started this blog to raise awareness and educate people around chronic pain and illness, how many more must die before change happens ??

Rest in peace beautiful ❤️

Friendships

Shares my crazy gluten free food when we out out.

Shares the same sense humour, dark and weird

One thing I have learnt is having a social life is hard let alone keeping friends, I have lost alot of friends along the way, I have connected with some amazing new people and the support groups even if they are online can mean the world to someone who is having a bad day or has limitations or just someone that actually gets you.I met this chicky a few years ago when I had a boring desk job and what do you know she has fibromyalgia and other things it’s the first time in along time I didn’t need to fake a smile or let alone saying I’m fine, when underneath I was in agony, we could share anything, laugh and cry together, she was in a position where her illness stops her from driving where I’m lucky and I can, right there it dawned on me how lucky I was been able to drive that ment freedom, i made it a point to take her to places and share lunch dates etc and the company was awesome. Over time her health went south and now she faced with I have to stop work, again it dawned on me how lucky I am two people with similar illness and chronic pain and how differently it effects us. Years later I’m faced with not been able to drive long distances and I have given up my job for now one I loved and had so much passion for because my health took a turn for the worst. I value this friendship alot because we are both on the same journey just different stages and we both help each other through the crazy.

Our crazy adventures

The constant pain

Fibromyalgia its a funny word and people call it fibro for short, its a long term condition with no cure and its condition where research is still happening so it can be understood better. About 1 in 50 people will develop it and any stage of their life around the ages of 25 and 55 and it effects women more than me, there are children and teenagers that can have it.

  • Fibromyalgia is a term used to describe widespread pain and tenderness in different areas of your body.
  • It is thought to be a disorder of the way the nervous system processes sensory information
  • Fibromyalgia pain lasts longer than 3 months and often comes and goes. People with fibromyalgia usually have other symptoms including fatigue, poor sleep, difficulty concentrating and sensitivity of their bladder and bowels.
  • Living with fibromyalgia can be hard to understand and may be difficult to accept. Most people live well with fibromyalgia once they have learned ways of coping with the problems it can pose even if the pain is still there.
  • The goals of treatment are to improve your sleep, increase your ability to do the things you want to do while also reducing your pain.
  • Medications are not very effective in treating fibromyalgia. Fortunately, It is possible to live well and manage the symptoms of fibromyalgia without medications.

I honestly had no idea what this what nor understand it and still remember been at work and every part of me was aching and i went home took some pain pills and went to bed, over time i was so tired and i felt like i was forgetting the simplest things the list was endless went to dr and went through some questions and came back said i chronic faituge and then did a simple pain test which is tender points so out of 18 i had 14, anybody with fibro knows touching us can cause many sensations. Also i was not prepared or the amount of symptoms there were so im living with a body that just hate me not only do i have to try to battle a another condition came with how much will this affect my life, fibro on its own is debilitating let alone i have a thyroid condition, endometriosis. It was time for more changes for me to do and this meant all my years of studying in hospitality was over my dream of me been a event planner was a distance memory as standing became harder and been so tired not a tired where a sleep would fix and the constant pain became my new normal.

What was life going to look at from here on in and what career could i do there was no i was allowing this to beat me….