The Devil is stirring

The Devil (illness) inside me is stirring at the moment, hes testing my patience and my strength.

I had Freddy visit me and he was not nice at all creating havoc along the way and now the Devil is stirring within inside of me, its like they playing tag at the moment.

What is an auto immune disease ??

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YK5vBUm9C8

At the moment my immune system has gone to war on my body and built up bacteria within my body, my body thinks it has the flu, it feels like I’m carrying a bag of bricks and the feeling of wiped out. No matter how much i managed it or if i have a good day I’m still battling with the devil everyday, he hides in the shadows just plotting and waiting.

Armed with some antibiotics and rest when i can im hoping i come right or its bloods to see what is going on, as the Dr puts it I’m complex with a lot of different illness and i can go down pretty quick.

01/24/2023

“Reminder”

Every now then I get reminder and good talking to and it always leads me to reflecting, frustration, over it, angry and just dam right annoyed.

I’m reminded to slow down I’m chronically ill and my body just can’t do what it use to and it’s a clear reminder of how my body works and that everything I do will set my body off and give me shitty days as my fatigue levels drop or I have a crash and then I have no choice to rest or I get sick, pain levels heighten.

I’m also reminded that this head crap I’m dealing with it was caused by someone else and the injury has just messed up my life and givin me more limitations.

I’m also reminded that no matter hard shit gets that I some how find a postitive and the strength to get through another day, I got this.

I’m also reminded to appreciate life and the simple things because life can change so quickly one minute your healthy and cruising life then the next minute your sick, injured, illness, disease and the life you knew has gone.

I’m also reminded that through my own struggles and experiences I have created Nirvana life coaching a place a community of people of all walks of life can find some inspiration, be educated, a place to raise awareness and help others live there best life.

I’m also reminded that life can be lonely friendships are bit harder, social life becomes non existent, family don’t quite understand and you got to get use to your own company pretty fast and it’s ok to mourn your old life.

I’m also reminded to never let my illness or injury define me as a person and take away my sense of humor, bubbly personality and never allow myself to be bitter. My hair always has colour in it brighten up my day through the dark days and it’s ok to be little quirky and weird.

I leave you with this thought and I just want you to think, feel free to share your answer or thoughts, I love to hear them.

If you were you to wake up tomorrow and you become sick and it’s the type of sick that will change your life, the way you see life, the things you do in life it will literally make you stop and rethink life. Right now in your life answer these questions ?

Have I achieved my life goals ?
Are you happy with your life ?
Are you happy with your career ?
Your current relationship are you happy ?
Could you improve in areas of life ?
Have you got a dream, goal or something you want to do in life ?

Don’t wait till it’s to late, not saying you cant have a great life been sick etc I know first hand it comes with limitations and can change your life.

01/13/202301/13/2023

“The pain in my head”

The pain in my head

My mental health has been wrecked latley and finding it hard to process that all this pain and constant issues to my face was caused by someone who claimed they would never hit me and they loved me. Has this assult changed me ?? The way i look at life and im not as trusting anymore, some day my aniexty is all over the place, flashback or triggers i guess im little fragile i also learnt my voice and im aware of what domestic violence is. It was like turning on a light and i could finally see a way out, it was going to take every last bit of strength to leave and take back my life.

The universe was setting off a chain of events to send me home and make me face my demons, take back my life and make the life i always wanted……

I made the call to see my ex one last time and tell him we are done and what he had done to me was not acceptable and he was not to contact me, this was the hardest thing i had to do i knew it was done the day his fist connected with my face, this was May he was still texting till september he did not want to accept we were done he still manged to pop up in facebook groups and the odd concert but 18 months on i have made sure i stood by what i said to him, i ended up going thru different places to live and just got to much and i left the wairapapa/manawatu for good and every bad memory there and like i said the universe was sending me home.

Lets talk about post concussion syndrome.

Basically i didnt think there was anything wrong a little bit an indention, bruising, i was in survial mode my son was schooling over there i had a matter of days to find some where to stay as i didnt want to cause anymore unsettle and my poor body was wrecked with all the stress. I just got on with things few weeks later i was at the dr they were telling me it was hayfever and a sinus infection armed with new medications i got on with life the pain was not going away, i felt like shit i just wanted to sleep so back to the dr and i mention the assult and then it was you have TMJ syndrome more medication again i got on with life.

Present day- Brand new doctor and we got talking as the pain and the right side of my face causing chaos in my life and i just was not getting better and finally the dr confirms post concussion syndrome.

Post concussion syndrome

Mild Traumatic brain injury occurs when symptoms last longer than expected, the time period can be weeks or months not everyone experiences this.

Symptoms can be different for everyone but the most common sympton is headaches followed with fogginess,fatigue, amnesia, sleep problems, mood changes, cognitive problems like memory, concentration these occur after am injury to the head, sometimes there is a delay.

The way to treat it with rest and mimimize stress, medications, referals to other people like neurologist for me im doing physio and been refered to pain and concussion clinic.

Most people recover from post concussion

Heres a wee video on post concussion syndrome.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HX3vCGFYOE4

Every day is hard im at home more than ever because i can control the sound, light and the people that come and see me. I wake up everyday with headache and somedays are worst than others, i literally have to give my body a scan and work out how my day will look. Sometimes it case of getting up and doing a little bit and then lying back down for a while, the smallest tasks fell like they take forever to do, im so dertimined to work even if it is only about 8 hours a week it gives me motivation and something to get me me out of bed and more so out of the house. Somedays im in so much pain i just fake a smile and get on with things i will not let this beat me or define me as a person, somedays im i fell like im playing russian roulette and i dont know what illness is going to add on top of this stuff. Im angry, hurt and so over the headaches and every other symptom, im tired of fighting for a good day or just be able to do a simple task.

Stay tuned for the next blog where ill talk about upper cx dsyfuncton and TMJ this is another thing im dealing with from this assult….

12/02/202201/05/2023

“Mumma bears reflection”

Part one

Who would of thought I would of got thru this last 18 months, I feel like I have been on a roller coaster and the dam thing broke and its just been on a continuous loop, the ups, downs,bumps explains my last 17 months

My mental health honestly has been crap and been testing me on all levels. I have had days where the thoughts of just giving up, fatigue, mind racing, sleepness nights, can’t eat 😢 absolutely brutal. I had lost my identity, confidence, strength I had nothing more to give let alone the constant fear and walking on egg shells, the feeling of been lost, trying to hold on to something that was essentially killing me inside and creating his ideal world.

I remember the day as clear as day the day that changed my life and everything I thought was ok was not. Early Saturday morning all hell broke loose and before I know it I’m cornered and the monster is looking at me and boom two punches to the face, something no child should ever see and knowing my son was on the ph to police it was at that point I new it was time to walk away for good.

What was about to come was going to be the biggest challenge I ever had to face, life was about to get turned upside down and shaken about I had to re learn, hard truths and get some much needed help and make the hardest decision of actually charging him.

Stay tuned for part two

11/28/2022

“The burnout”

Burn out, exhaustion, over whelmed, tired, pain, triggers, emotions are just some of the words that explain my crazy life and how I’m feeling.

I feel like Alice in wonderland falling in hole, spinning,falling, no control and not sure what’s coming.

Every part of my body hurts.
My eyes are heavy and sore.
My mind is scrambled.
The triggers are firing off.
Drowing in emotions.
The over whelmed feels suffocating.
My words get lost and scrambled.
Been so tired it’s become robot mode

Landing from falling in the hole, your in a different world, everything is scary and as you walk along the path your more and more confused and it feels like there is no way out of this upside down, confusing world.

11/02/2022

“Wednesday Madness”

How do we start this off Dear diary or something like that….. Wednesday entry goes a little something like this. Living with chronic pain and been chroniclly ill every day is different but i use humour as a coping mechanism and its a bloody good tool i must say so yeap i swear like anything and laugh at my self alot and always doing random things or saying random things, i swear people think im a little crazy.

Waking up on wednesday with the stupid ole darth vader mask since i do some random breathing things in my sleep so yeah apparently its ment to help but man its a god dam pain in my face quite literally. Do some stretches and do a body scan this is my way of working out where my body and pain is and basically seeing how good ill function today, before anybody says anything i dont do breakfast i dont eat till at least one in the afternoon i fast and no its not for loosing weight it helps me do wonderful things like burning fat all those crazy things that try not make me look like a dumpling, any way back to my story i look over the partner snoring his head off and looking all attractive and shit no not really butt hangin out you get the picture. I haul my ass out of bed and into the shower and this like a workout in its own self, then the ole makeup up on to make the face look pretty cover up the wrinkles just the typical things on a serious note its more to make me feel good and as i dont feel so great on the inside.

Next stop my favourite part of the day a yoga classs this is great way to get the body moving, the mind to rest and to let the daily stresses of life go, yoga has been so good for my healing journal.

Wednesday means work for me and a day thats full of conversation and laughs which is something my client finds hard but also loves the company as most of her days are in bed and in silence, i love listening to her stories, it always amazes me how talented she is, seeing her antiques its the cool part of my job. After work its a trip to the stupid market this is where the ole body is shutting down and the tired is kicking in but im on a mission for ingredients for tea and a few goodies for my son whos 16 today, i actually have a dislike to shopping and a way to many people and i always end up broke.

Dinner at friends whipped up butter chicken had a good ole yarn then home time for this mumma bear. Glass of beer and movie with my favourite human and call it a day, new beginnings comes with stresses and in short a totally mind fuck and then add that the body decides its not happy with the heat and throws a tanty that leaves me grumpy and sweaty and in need of my fan but no my son has stolen it and after much needed cool down once i go the fan back may i add that was not easy task i must say.

Thats my wednesday done and dusted and this mumma bear is signing out, lets see what Thursday has in store for me.

09/21/2022

The secret keeper exhibition

08/03/2022

“Protection”

Protecting my peace, energy and looking after me has never really been my thing nor did I think it was important. I was always caught up in someone’s drama, ensured I was always busy so I didn’t need to deal with things, always trying to help and please people.

The journey I’m on and this healing process has taught me three important things.

I don’t need to be busy and doing nothing is healthy and needed.
Learning the word no and saying no.
Not been involved in others drama and saying I’m protecting me for a change.

I have had alot of trauma and things I’m working on and having a quite life and one that is fill of people that actually understand and support me through my journey. People can leave at any time and that is ok, because this about me and what I need in my life.

If your in a place of healing or wanting your own peace, remember it’s ok to say no and it’s ok to look after you, you have one life make it count

07/22/2022

“Learning is amazing”

I’m learning to let go of things I can not control and mending things that I have self sabotage, reconnecting with people and family. Some days it’s exhausting this healing buzz is not easy and learning new things and ways to do things has its own set of challenges.

What have I learnt so far from my journey..

Don’t pass judgement till you know the facts.
I’m actually in love and have missed this human.
That it’s ok to say no.
Putting my self first is priority.
Asking for help.
It’s ok to not be ok.
I’m in control of my life and I make decisions that I feel is right.
My children need to learn I’m not well and it’s not ok to be treated badly.
Self care is so important.
My passion and calling is helping people through my life coaching and support work.
I have some amazing new people in my life.
How I should be treated and what I deserve.

Im letting go of more things I can’t control and learning to just let things be if it’s ment to be it will be. As each week passes by with my living without violence course and counseling I’m becoming stronger person and more confident, I’m creating my life and how I want things to be, I protect my peace and myself. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring I just need to trust the process.

06/24/2022

“Emotions”

Rewind to 2017 living in the south Waikato, i made a decision in may to move there were many reasons and can’t forget the man he was another reason.

Today I was surrounded by the things that I came back to the bay with and reality of how much I have I lost and multiple rebuilding my life it’s crazy to think, my life in boxes and some furniture that’s it.

As I started going thru things and repacking and sorting and doing the big clean of crap. Memories the experiences and the heartache all came flooding back the tears start rolling. The wee cards, the art work, certificates all this stuff that reminded me of the love,the fun times and how things are so different now. I moved back to the bay for many reasons the biggest one is my grandson.

As I sit here on a Friday night and reflect and write it’s made think how bloody strong and how resilient I am as person, the things I been through it’s crazy. The last 6 mths have been the toughest I had to face some hard truths, new love just gone, place to call home,new friendships, joined yoga, bonding with my grandson and the hardest one is realising your own child behaviour is abuse and I’m drowning and just broken. Reaching out for support was the first step in my next part of my journey was to heal.

I’m going on wee holiday with my daughter this is time for me to recharge my batteries and reflect and have some much needed time with my daughter. Work out my plan and goals for the next six months I’m excited as I’m starting to feel excited and have so many ideas and things going on in my head all will be reveled after my holiday.

06/14/2022

Session one-understanding domestic violence

Took another big step today on my journey of healing and having a better understanding of domestic violence and working through it all.

I vowed I was done with abuse and been treated a particular way and with that comes attending living without violence program and having much needed support. Because with out I may slip back into old habits and I want to make the right choices from this point forward.

My triggers and emotions were high tonight, just listening and watching a video it really made me think about things and the disconnect I’m having with my son tonight and it’s very clear that I can’t fix him and I need to heal.

What I took away from tonight is a model that’s used called The Whare Tapa Wha if you think of a house it has walls, roof and a floor/ground, we look at ourselves as Wharenui/house. The ground represents Whenua, the walls represent Whanau and Tinana the roof represents Wairua and Hinengaro. At any point these weakened your Whare/house is comprised and your wellbeing.

Learnt the person who is doing the abuse has a cycle, the cycle of violence, abuse and control.

Trigger situation
Tension rising
Escalating abuse
Physical violence
Regrets phase
Hide the problem

Power and control wheel

This was my message i received tonight and it resonated with me and very fitting.

06/10/2022

“I can feel the change”

It’s Friday night and its moments like this where I look around it’s been a while since I had a place to put my favorite things, things that matter, creating my own space a space where there is complete calm a place where there is no negative memories or experiences a space that I feel safe that space is my wee home.

The nights might be lonely but I refuse to settle for less than i deserve, I have learnt to like my own space and company been chronically ill has helped me that there will be lot of time I’m on my own, I spent along time just allowing certain behaviours from men and always been the girl that gives and gives, not anymore.

06/05/202206/05/2022

Dear son

Open letter to my son, I’ll never forget the day I found out I was pregnant with you it was definitely a dark time in my life and I was not expecting you but I’m glad you chose me to be your mum without you realising it saved my life and gave me the strength and the motivation to do better, I never wanted you to experience what your sisters had to go through.

You had a great life regardless of what you think,the places your been to, experiences and memories made. You may not have a dad around but I did both roles the best that I could,you had some amazing people to support you through your life. I will never say I was a perfect mum and I know there has been some challenges and tough times. But you have a great life and never had to experience what your sisters did, I sheltered you and held on to you tightly to protect you from things.

I made the decision to move to another location and there were many reasons why I made the decision to move to the manawatu, the biggest reason was to grow as a person and give us better opportunities and better schooling for you and your sister. Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned and that came down to my choice of a partner and I will forever own that and reflect on that.

The moment you started high school you changed and before I realized it you had absorbed a type of behavior and the way he treated me, even thou I tried my best to shelter you from it and protect you and ensured we had our home it didn’t make a difference.

Your behavior was causing issues with you at school, your relationship with your sisters and the people around you and most of all me your mum. It didn’t matter what I did it was never good enough for you, your words cut deep and you knew how to make me feel like shit. I want you to stop and realize I’m chronically ill and spent four years been abused emotionally and the effects of psychology abuse, things your not seen but I went thru, been run off road,to been left on the side of the road the list is endless. The physical abuse I went through, the feeling of been isolated from everyone.

I made the decision to send you to Masterson a decision I knew would leave me trapped I had ran out of options, support was limited so instead of you getting into more trouble and getting a record with truancy etc I sent you away, every week I paid money to ensure you were ok, just put up with more crap to keep you happy. Even after my assault I was struggling and living in different houses and each place hated your attitude and constant laziness and the way you treated me.

Becoming homeless, beyond broken and lucky to see another year, the right thing to do was come back to the bay and reconnect with people and have much needed support not only for me but for you as well. Watching linky grow up was so important to me and having a fresh start a place where I can heal and rebuild. I know your finding it hard and refuse to accept help and any responsibility for your behaviour and the abuse yes son it’s abuse.

Son I love you but I don’t love your behaviour, my door will always be home, I’ll continue to support you where needed. I deserve better and I’m over been treated like this enough is enough.

You have a wee boy who looks up to his uncle and that should be enough for you to stop and take a good hard look at your self and most importantly teaching that wee boy how you should treat women let alone any person, teaching home values,life skills and respect.

It’s time to stop and ask your self what sort of man do I want to be ??

You have been thru stuff I get it ,you may not like the living situation or been here. It’s time to stop been bitter and angry and starting living, creating the life you want.

05/29/202205/29/2022

“Im no longer that person”

Stop Domestic Violence and Abuse as a Abstract

Bexs
May 29 2022

"... you don`t have to wait for someone to treat you bad repeatedly. All it takes is once, and if they get away with it that once, if they know they can treat you like that, then it sets the pattern for the future." - Jane Green

My journey in the last year has been challanging and i had some hurdles to overcome and had to face my demons and some hard truths.

Leaving a relationship that i had many times tried to do before i always ended up right back. This was going to take all of my strength and accepting help for me to be stronger enough to actually staying away.

These were my steps in how i sucessfully left and managed to find my strength and do some soul searching and along the way find me again, some confidence and most of share my story and educate others.

“I realize now I am a survivor. I am a stronger woman for opening my eyes and stepping away from someone who didn`t respect themselves and would never respect me.” – Lori

My own personal steps that have got me to this point are:

Leaving the relationship
Having closure
Removing my self away from friends and groups that he was in
Reflection and what do i need
Hearing some hard truths
Signing up for counsling
Finding me again and building my confidence
sharing my story and turning the negative into postive
Understanding my triggers
Moving back home and starting fresh
Reconnecting with friends and family
Learning how i should be treated
signing up for course with living with violence
Joining a empowerment group for women
Self care-yoga,gym

Im so dam proud of my self of how far i have got the sad part in this i have lost my relationship with my son and the bind we once had and this has to be the hardest part to my journey, my son has absorbed the toxic behaviour and had a great teacher and he has choosen to treat me in the same way and manner. If you are reading this and you are in realtionship that is not healthy and there are children trust me they are aware and picking up behaviours with out relizing you, the name calling and the constant threats, intimidation the list is endless get out it is domestic violence dont wait to be punched, stalked, run off the road, the insults in public get out now. The cuts and bruises go away the emotional and pyshcogical abuse lasts a life time.

05/25/2022

Raising awareness

Thank you vogue for allowing me to share my story. It’s great read about chronic pelvic pain

https://vogue.sg/chonic-pelvic-pain/