“Making memories”

We already into the second month of the year and here in New Zealand the school has term has started and we had few public holidays so the weeks have felt short and i feel so behind.

Went on road trip and caught up with friends, my youngest daughter (20) and went on adventure in the capital of New Zealand Wellington the weekend was awesome i have spent all week recovering from it but it was all worth it and its these moments that i treasure and take lots of photos its a great way to help me puch me through the hard days.

Wellington is windy and rather hilly so was the zoo worth every little niggle for an amazing day out i dont see my daughter as much as she living her life and lives about three hours away its moments like this that are precious to me.

Wellington Zoo

Wellington City

Holidays are for relaxing and enjoying the moment and some much needed time to switch off, enjoy the surroundings, the bonding time and the experience.

01/24/2023

“Pablo the kitty”

Pablo is a bit crazy, loves munching on toes, cuddly on his terms he’s my support cat. Makes the lonley days that little bit better.

01/24/2023

“Reminder”

Every now then I get reminder and good talking to and it always leads me to reflecting, frustration, over it, angry and just dam right annoyed.

I’m reminded to slow down I’m chronically ill and my body just can’t do what it use to and it’s a clear reminder of how my body works and that everything I do will set my body off and give me shitty days as my fatigue levels drop or I have a crash and then I have no choice to rest or I get sick, pain levels heighten.

I’m also reminded that this head crap I’m dealing with it was caused by someone else and the injury has just messed up my life and givin me more limitations.

I’m also reminded that no matter hard shit gets that I some how find a postitive and the strength to get through another day, I got this.

I’m also reminded to appreciate life and the simple things because life can change so quickly one minute your healthy and cruising life then the next minute your sick, injured, illness, disease and the life you knew has gone.

I’m also reminded that through my own struggles and experiences I have created Nirvana life coaching a place a community of people of all walks of life can find some inspiration, be educated, a place to raise awareness and help others live there best life.

I’m also reminded that life can be lonely friendships are bit harder, social life becomes non existent, family don’t quite understand and you got to get use to your own company pretty fast and it’s ok to mourn your old life.

I’m also reminded to never let my illness or injury define me as a person and take away my sense of humor, bubbly personality and never allow myself to be bitter. My hair always has colour in it brighten up my day through the dark days and it’s ok to be little quirky and weird.

I leave you with this thought and I just want you to think, feel free to share your answer or thoughts, I love to hear them.

If you were you to wake up tomorrow and you become sick and it’s the type of sick that will change your life, the way you see life, the things you do in life it will literally make you stop and rethink life. Right now in your life answer these questions ?

Have I achieved my life goals ?
Are you happy with your life ?
Are you happy with your career ?
Your current relationship are you happy ?
Could you improve in areas of life ?
Have you got a dream, goal or something you want to do in life ?

Don’t wait till it’s to late, not saying you cant have a great life been sick etc I know first hand it comes with limitations and can change your life.

01/13/202301/13/2023

“The pain in my head”

The pain in my head

My mental health has been wrecked latley and finding it hard to process that all this pain and constant issues to my face was caused by someone who claimed they would never hit me and they loved me. Has this assult changed me ?? The way i look at life and im not as trusting anymore, some day my aniexty is all over the place, flashback or triggers i guess im little fragile i also learnt my voice and im aware of what domestic violence is. It was like turning on a light and i could finally see a way out, it was going to take every last bit of strength to leave and take back my life.

The universe was setting off a chain of events to send me home and make me face my demons, take back my life and make the life i always wanted……

I made the call to see my ex one last time and tell him we are done and what he had done to me was not acceptable and he was not to contact me, this was the hardest thing i had to do i knew it was done the day his fist connected with my face, this was May he was still texting till september he did not want to accept we were done he still manged to pop up in facebook groups and the odd concert but 18 months on i have made sure i stood by what i said to him, i ended up going thru different places to live and just got to much and i left the wairapapa/manawatu for good and every bad memory there and like i said the universe was sending me home.

Lets talk about post concussion syndrome.

Basically i didnt think there was anything wrong a little bit an indention, bruising, i was in survial mode my son was schooling over there i had a matter of days to find some where to stay as i didnt want to cause anymore unsettle and my poor body was wrecked with all the stress. I just got on with things few weeks later i was at the dr they were telling me it was hayfever and a sinus infection armed with new medications i got on with life the pain was not going away, i felt like shit i just wanted to sleep so back to the dr and i mention the assult and then it was you have TMJ syndrome more medication again i got on with life.

Present day- Brand new doctor and we got talking as the pain and the right side of my face causing chaos in my life and i just was not getting better and finally the dr confirms post concussion syndrome.

Post concussion syndrome

Mild Traumatic brain injury occurs when symptoms last longer than expected, the time period can be weeks or months not everyone experiences this.

Symptoms can be different for everyone but the most common sympton is headaches followed with fogginess,fatigue, amnesia, sleep problems, mood changes, cognitive problems like memory, concentration these occur after am injury to the head, sometimes there is a delay.

The way to treat it with rest and mimimize stress, medications, referals to other people like neurologist for me im doing physio and been refered to pain and concussion clinic.

Most people recover from post concussion

Heres a wee video on post concussion syndrome.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HX3vCGFYOE4

Every day is hard im at home more than ever because i can control the sound, light and the people that come and see me. I wake up everyday with headache and somedays are worst than others, i literally have to give my body a scan and work out how my day will look. Sometimes it case of getting up and doing a little bit and then lying back down for a while, the smallest tasks fell like they take forever to do, im so dertimined to work even if it is only about 8 hours a week it gives me motivation and something to get me me out of bed and more so out of the house. Somedays im in so much pain i just fake a smile and get on with things i will not let this beat me or define me as a person, somedays im i fell like im playing russian roulette and i dont know what illness is going to add on top of this stuff. Im angry, hurt and so over the headaches and every other symptom, im tired of fighting for a good day or just be able to do a simple task.

Stay tuned for the next blog where ill talk about upper cx dsyfuncton and TMJ this is another thing im dealing with from this assult….

12/02/202201/05/2023

“Mumma bears reflection”

Part one

Who would of thought I would of got thru this last 18 months, I feel like I have been on a roller coaster and the dam thing broke and its just been on a continuous loop, the ups, downs,bumps explains my last 17 months

My mental health honestly has been crap and been testing me on all levels. I have had days where the thoughts of just giving up, fatigue, mind racing, sleepness nights, can’t eat 😢 absolutely brutal. I had lost my identity, confidence, strength I had nothing more to give let alone the constant fear and walking on egg shells, the feeling of been lost, trying to hold on to something that was essentially killing me inside and creating his ideal world.

I remember the day as clear as day the day that changed my life and everything I thought was ok was not. Early Saturday morning all hell broke loose and before I know it I’m cornered and the monster is looking at me and boom two punches to the face, something no child should ever see and knowing my son was on the ph to police it was at that point I new it was time to walk away for good.

What was about to come was going to be the biggest challenge I ever had to face, life was about to get turned upside down and shaken about I had to re learn, hard truths and get some much needed help and make the hardest decision of actually charging him.

Stay tuned for part two

11/28/2022

“The burnout”

Burn out, exhaustion, over whelmed, tired, pain, triggers, emotions are just some of the words that explain my crazy life and how I’m feeling.

I feel like Alice in wonderland falling in hole, spinning,falling, no control and not sure what’s coming.

Every part of my body hurts.
My eyes are heavy and sore.
My mind is scrambled.
The triggers are firing off.
Drowing in emotions.
The over whelmed feels suffocating.
My words get lost and scrambled.
Been so tired it’s become robot mode

Landing from falling in the hole, your in a different world, everything is scary and as you walk along the path your more and more confused and it feels like there is no way out of this upside down, confusing world.

11/22/2022

“Chained to the bed”

Bed days are the worst, your literally chained to the bed, you lift the head and any little movement sets the body off, the emotions are high and your rattling the chains to be able to get up and do a simple task like go to the toilet, you feel the grip, the pulling you down further.

Two days chained to my bed unable to do nothing, the head doing weird shit the eyes are sensitive to the light, the smallest sound irritates the body, the cramps, the constant feeling of been on a boat, trying to talk and it’s like nothing is coming out.

Welcome to my nightmare, where the devil likes to play havoc on my body and Freddy doing his thing, the devil is my illness and Freddy is my endo, they are always plotting some kinda chaos, silently waiting for right time to strike, they not going anywhere just lurking in the shadows.

Waking up out of my nightmare I’m blessed with blue skies and the warm sun shining, today was managble and starting my Tuesday morning with yoga on the beach, some much needed vitamin d, warmth of the sun on my skin, the sand between my toes, flowing and breathing in the poses, smell of ocean air, sound of the waves , seagulls squawking, out with the yuck and breath in the good.

11/14/202211/14/2022

“Weekend vibes”

Amongst the crazy head, not feeling the greatest, still managed to soak in my surroundings, met some individuals along the way and spent time with my favorite human ❤

“Weekends are for adventures”

11/02/2022

“Wednesday Madness”

How do we start this off Dear diary or something like that….. Wednesday entry goes a little something like this. Living with chronic pain and been chroniclly ill every day is different but i use humour as a coping mechanism and its a bloody good tool i must say so yeap i swear like anything and laugh at my self alot and always doing random things or saying random things, i swear people think im a little crazy.

Waking up on wednesday with the stupid ole darth vader mask since i do some random breathing things in my sleep so yeah apparently its ment to help but man its a god dam pain in my face quite literally. Do some stretches and do a body scan this is my way of working out where my body and pain is and basically seeing how good ill function today, before anybody says anything i dont do breakfast i dont eat till at least one in the afternoon i fast and no its not for loosing weight it helps me do wonderful things like burning fat all those crazy things that try not make me look like a dumpling, any way back to my story i look over the partner snoring his head off and looking all attractive and shit no not really butt hangin out you get the picture. I haul my ass out of bed and into the shower and this like a workout in its own self, then the ole makeup up on to make the face look pretty cover up the wrinkles just the typical things on a serious note its more to make me feel good and as i dont feel so great on the inside.

Next stop my favourite part of the day a yoga classs this is great way to get the body moving, the mind to rest and to let the daily stresses of life go, yoga has been so good for my healing journal.

Wednesday means work for me and a day thats full of conversation and laughs which is something my client finds hard but also loves the company as most of her days are in bed and in silence, i love listening to her stories, it always amazes me how talented she is, seeing her antiques its the cool part of my job. After work its a trip to the stupid market this is where the ole body is shutting down and the tired is kicking in but im on a mission for ingredients for tea and a few goodies for my son whos 16 today, i actually have a dislike to shopping and a way to many people and i always end up broke.

Dinner at friends whipped up butter chicken had a good ole yarn then home time for this mumma bear. Glass of beer and movie with my favourite human and call it a day, new beginnings comes with stresses and in short a totally mind fuck and then add that the body decides its not happy with the heat and throws a tanty that leaves me grumpy and sweaty and in need of my fan but no my son has stolen it and after much needed cool down once i go the fan back may i add that was not easy task i must say.

Thats my wednesday done and dusted and this mumma bear is signing out, lets see what Thursday has in store for me.

09/25/2022

“Lost in the moment”

Connecting with people, taking a walk around the mount,hearing the birds sing, seal sunbathing on a rock, seeing people compete in a Waka race, sound of the waves crashing on the rocks. Coffee in the hand with great company I couldn’t ask for better start to the weekend.

Coming home has brought me to reconnecting with family, been a long time since I did the aunty and big sister buzz, Saturday night was hot pools and takeaways. It’s been a long time since we spent time together and alot of years been taken away with the family dynamics and dysfunction. It’s only the beginning its time to break the cycle and allow our children to have a connection and form there own bonds.

My cup is filled with so much love, gratitude and appreciation. How far I have come on my journey and how I look at life very differently.

09/01/202209/01/2022

Cruel realization..

On my healing journey I have found myself opening the doors to the past and trust me there is a reason you leave things in the past as they say. In my own thoughts and crazy thinking sometimes we have to open these doors, because sometimes there are things that have never been sorted, it was easier not to deal with, it was to horrible to want to remember.

What ever the reason is and every one is different, I’m glad I have finally got the strength and sense of I actually need to deal with this to move on in my life and get a sense of peace.

I’m the girl that was not ever wanted, I was brought into the world by someone who never wanted me it’s that simple. I’m not afraid to say it anymore, as I heal the more doors that open and I deal with things, I go through the emotions, I allow my self to feel, I allow my self to cry, I allow my self to be angry, but most importantly it don’t own me anymore and as the days pass I’m letting the yuck go.

I read the below quote and resonates with me why I’m the black sheep and I see so much crap, lies,deceit,hurt, manipulation, anger, mind games it leaves me disgusted and somewhat shamed for having a family like this.

I have self taught my self most things and only ever had my self, life has not been easy to me, I had some amazing people that have given me advice, support, treating me like I’m part of their family it’s these people that have helped me create my own values, beliefs and how I see the world I have learnt no matter my achievements, the wins I’m still that little girl that was never was wanted, family thar still continue to treat me like an outsider.

08/03/2022

“Protection”

Protecting my peace, energy and looking after me has never really been my thing nor did I think it was important. I was always caught up in someone’s drama, ensured I was always busy so I didn’t need to deal with things, always trying to help and please people.

The journey I’m on and this healing process has taught me three important things.

I don’t need to be busy and doing nothing is healthy and needed.
Learning the word no and saying no.
Not been involved in others drama and saying I’m protecting me for a change.

I have had alot of trauma and things I’m working on and having a quite life and one that is fill of people that actually understand and support me through my journey. People can leave at any time and that is ok, because this about me and what I need in my life.

If your in a place of healing or wanting your own peace, remember it’s ok to say no and it’s ok to look after you, you have one life make it count

07/22/2022

“Learning is amazing”

I’m learning to let go of things I can not control and mending things that I have self sabotage, reconnecting with people and family. Some days it’s exhausting this healing buzz is not easy and learning new things and ways to do things has its own set of challenges.

What have I learnt so far from my journey..

Don’t pass judgement till you know the facts.
I’m actually in love and have missed this human.
That it’s ok to say no.
Putting my self first is priority.
Asking for help.
It’s ok to not be ok.
I’m in control of my life and I make decisions that I feel is right.
My children need to learn I’m not well and it’s not ok to be treated badly.
Self care is so important.
My passion and calling is helping people through my life coaching and support work.
I have some amazing new people in my life.
How I should be treated and what I deserve.

Im letting go of more things I can’t control and learning to just let things be if it’s ment to be it will be. As each week passes by with my living without violence course and counseling I’m becoming stronger person and more confident, I’m creating my life and how I want things to be, I protect my peace and myself. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring I just need to trust the process.

07/09/2022

“Holiday reflection”

Holiday has come to an end, I have new memories and have more of clear mind of where I’m going and what my next 6 months will look like. Reflection is so important and something I suggest to people there are so many reasons why. For me it was looking at what was working and areas I need to change or work on more.

The Coromandel is like stepping back in time, internet is a hit and miss, the roads are narrow many corners and so many photo opportunities, lots of little bays along the drive definitely good for the soul.

One thing I have taken from this wee holiday is the need to look after me and I need to follow my calling more life coaching, more yoga and it’s time to let go of things and except the things that have been, allow my children to navigate life on their own and learn from there mistakes instead of me trying to fix everything,what will be will be.

06/30/2022

“Connections”

I’m on bus traveling to my daughters on much needed holiday. I’m on this journey of self discovery and learning to see life differently, I’m about inner peace, balance and been around postitive things, my wee house is my sanctuary. I have outgrown things and people and in place where I need to protect myself and that’s ok, particular people are been drawn to me, I find my self talking to a complete stranger and seeing the world a little different.

As I look out the window and pass through cities and towns, the animals,endless hills rich in different greens, old buildings that are just holding on I think) about what history does that house hold, the urupa’s (Maori tradition cemetery )where deceased people lie,seeing snow capped mountains you just realize how beautiful our country is and we are pretty lucky here in this country.

I’m sitting at the bus stop for lunch, three men and my selves all having lunch chatting away, sharing stories about our lives and where we heading to.

First man he called him self a traveller always moving as he belives life to short to be stuck in one place, he openly talked about his failed marriage and he has couple sons, he has drink driving charges and having a bourbon as he chats aways he asked me this once question ❓❓ why is that the NZ justice system always favour the woman, he’s had one charge and been treated unfairly, i had no answer but I had to agree to him some degree.

Second guy he moves around NZ for work as he’s a shearer, born in NZ been living in Australia he knew it was time to come home, openly talked about his past addictions like P and drinking.

Third guy older gentleman had this awesome sense of humor and belives in karma, gone through some tough times, he use to play rugby with Colin meads a famous rugby player back in the day.

Three different people with different lives and there battles with addictions they choose me to share their stories and as we parted ways we shared a handshakes, friendly hug and the words safe travels all the best.

Life’s about living and continuesly learning, we all have our journey and our own stories. Sometimes we forget or get caught up with other people’s opinions to actually talk with people not judge them just listen because sometimes that’s all that person wants is bit of time to feel heard and that one conversation could be there highlight of their day why because we don’t know their story.

When your out and about stop take in your surroundings and breath in gratitude and when you see someone say hi, give them compliment, have wee chat less judgement more kindness needed.