“Blogging with Nirvana”

Happy 22nd birthday beautiful lady, I hope you have amazing day.

Been about month since my daughter stop talking to me and this is not the first time this has happened but this time it hurts a little different this time things are very different now. Let me start from the beginning how becoming a mum was never straight forward for me and how my first born has always been a tug of War.

Scared, anxious and completely freaking out when I found out I was going to become a mum I didn’t enjoy the pregnancy as I was quite sick and the father well that’s whole different story. And I was raised in dysfunction and had many parents and went through alot as a child, a few traumatic events and the worst thing is I didn’t have that mum to look up to I took on my closet friends mums instead and learnt through them so becoming a mum was like trying to figure it out as I went along.

Becoming a mum was nothing like the movies and I was struggling, I had a partner that was not committed, helped when it suited him. She was a terrible sleeper and with the birth not been a great experience we lacked the bonding phase. Regardless of the hurdles, the constant pressure, trying to build a family with only that idea that’s in your mind what you want or see as a family.

She had the most amazing blue eyes, blonde curls, with a free spirited attitude and the dislike of been told what to do, my daughter was packed with sass and attitude, she learnt quick and grew up just as fast. Unfortunately things took a turn for the worst and instead of been a mum I was been picked apart from agencies, my family and the dad was becoming toxic and rather suffocating and becoming a mum became my own personal battle.

My eldest became a big sister as much as she loved been a sister and having someone else to teach and grow together instead there was jealousy and alot of dysfunction happening, the image I had was gone as the days passed I became the mum that was single, diagnosed with endometriosis and was in the fight of my life to prove I was a good mum, as the years passed the days were dark I never thought I would survive let alone have my girls back home with me, spent 7 years fighting the system, girls dad, my family it was like living in hell with no escape. Blessed with a son 💙 I vowed I never make the same mistakes.

As I look back at the many challenges and how my eldest daughter and I continue to struggle with our relationship at times very strained. The constant learning I do I realize that certain behaviors are not ok and as much as love her I need her to take some much needed time to accept her responsibilities, take accountability and get some much needed help and break the cycle of dysfunction.

Dear daughter……

I’m writing you this letter as a mum and your friend. Your the one who made me mum. You were beautiful and packed with attitude, you were never really the cuddly baby more free spirited and thought and did things way more older then you were. I know life has not been easy and I take my responsibility in those things, hurdles, challenges that caused dysfunction in life. At 22 years of age and been a mum your self and he is one lucky boy to have you as mum you have a lot of growing and healing to do ensure you don’t give him dysfunction, with you realizing it you are doing just that. Your behaviors will have a negative effect on your boy and using him like you do and constantly taken him away from me and other family members when we don’t conform is wrong, it also is wrong to play games with peoples emotions, it’s also wrong to use people for your own benefits, it’s also wrong to use your parents against each other. I understand your not had it easy but with out realizing it you were spolit child, never really missed out on things and as mum I never stopped fighting to get her home. I know you have caring side, I know you will help people when needed, I know you can be anything you want if you put your mind to it. I will aways have a place for you in my heart, the door is open and no matter what I will always be mum. It was time for me to put boundaries in my life and so no more to the ugly behavior that not only effects me, your siblings and many other people around you. Hope one day soon you will stop listening to your dad and making the wrong choices, instead be that little girl I remember the one who had dreams, the free spirit and would stand up for what she wanted. Love mum ❤