The last week has come with its highs and lows and plenty of questions and can’t forget reality check and things that have left me and the mind boggled.
My life has never been easy, nor have I had normal and to me normal is mum/dad live in the same house etc. I was born into chaos I never really had the mum and dad thing, I have mum and dad,I was adopted by dad 2 and dad 3 was my step dad and each one of these people had a small part to the chaos. I have siblings to dad 2 and 3 are you confused yet.
As I got older I made a vow to my self if I was ever a mum I would create my own beliefs and values I never wanted this type of life to any future children, I learnt how to cook, budget and every day living skills, I had no idea what to do in relationship I just knew that could not treat anyone the way I seen thru my life.
The story behind dad 1 my biological dad, I was taken off him at age of 5 waves and glitches were a regular thing, the whys and how’s I grew up with out him in my life, no one ever really spoke about him, becoming a mum gave me the urge and the not knowing and on going lies brought me to my dad at the age of 19, this short bearded man greeted me with tears and hugs and big welcome home sign. My dad had remarried and waited in the same house for me to come home not once did I feel unsafe, I asked him the hard questions he was adment he never touched me, the conversation was hard,seeing the pain and tears in his eyes, this has consumed his life and left him unwell, I had the case of he said she said thing happening between family members was I ever going to know the truth or do I take his word. Over the years he was part of my kids life’s , unfortunately he lost his wife and best friend that was the moment he changed and I was not to see or hear from him again. The year 2022 I went to house to only found he has passed away from cancer in August, no pH call nothing, I couldn’t believe this was happening it was like I was in movie, random lady holding on to ashes,I never got to say good bye and not one photo to keep, nothing, everything has gone any memories gone.
In the last week I learnt that my life feels like lie, I ask what happened to me and I never get a straight answer. At the age of 41 I learnt that my dad has done something to me and I’ll never know what or how for me there will always be that empty void of the unknown.
I’m sharing my story no matter what abuse I gone through as a child and adult has made me the person I am today i have PTSD,stress aniexty and my thoughts always wander, the trauma is real it effects my life in different ways and how I view things. My message to others if your in similar situation find someone and talk about it never hold on to it, always think how do I want my life, changing your mindset.Remember you are not a victim you are survivor, stand tall and be proud of the small steps your taking and celebrate the achievements.