Cruel realization..

On my healing journey I have found myself opening the doors to the past and trust me there is a reason you leave things in the past as they say. In my own thoughts and crazy thinking sometimes we have to open these doors, because sometimes there are things that have never been sorted, it was easier not to deal with, it was to horrible to want to remember.

What ever the reason is and every one is different, I’m glad I have finally got the strength and sense of I actually need to deal with this to move on in my life and get a sense of peace.

“So many wasted years”

I’m the girl that was not ever wanted, I was brought into the world by someone who never wanted me it’s that simple. I’m not afraid to say it anymore, as I heal the more doors that open and I deal with things, I go through the emotions, I allow my self to feel, I allow my self to cry, I allow my self to be angry, but most importantly it don’t own me anymore and as the days pass I’m letting the yuck go.

I read the below quote and resonates with me why I’m the black sheep and I see so much crap, lies,deceit,hurt, manipulation, anger, mind games it leaves me disgusted and somewhat shamed for having a family like this.

I have self taught my self most things and only ever had my self, life has not been easy to me, I had some amazing people that have given me advice, support, treating me like I’m part of their family it’s these people that have helped me create my own values, beliefs and how I see the world I have learnt no matter my achievements, the wins I’m still that little girl that was never was wanted, family thar still continue to treat me like an outsider.


Protecting my peace, energy and looking after me has never really been my thing nor did I think it was important. I was always caught up in someone’s drama, ensured I was always busy so I didn’t need to deal with things, always trying to help and please people.

The journey I’m on and this healing process has taught me three important things.

  • I don’t need to be busy and doing nothing is healthy and needed.
  • Learning the word no and saying no.
  • Not been involved in others drama and saying I’m protecting me for a change.

I have had alot of trauma and things I’m working on and having a quite life and one that is fill of people that actually understand and support me through my journey. People can leave at any time and that is ok, because this about me and what I need in my life.

“My peace is my priority
“Beautiful Wednesday morning”

If your in a place of healing or wanting your own peace, remember it’s ok to say no and it’s ok to look after you, you have one life make it count

“Learning is amazing”

I’m learning to let go of things I can not control and mending things that I have self sabotage, reconnecting with people and family. Some days it’s exhausting this healing buzz is not easy and learning new things and ways to do things has its own set of challenges.

What have I learnt so far from my journey..

  • Don’t pass judgement till you know the facts.
  • I’m actually in love and have missed this human.
  • That it’s ok to say no.
  • Putting my self first is priority.
  • Asking for help.
  • It’s ok to not be ok.
  • I’m in control of my life and I make decisions that I feel is right.
  • My children need to learn I’m not well and it’s not ok to be treated badly.
  • Self care is so important.
  • My passion and calling is helping people through my life coaching and support work.
  • I have some amazing new people in my life.
  • How I should be treated and what I deserve.

Im letting go of more things I can’t control and learning to just let things be if it’s ment to be it will be. As each week passes by with my living without violence course and counseling I’m becoming stronger person and more confident, I’m creating my life and how I want things to be, I protect my peace and myself. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring I just need to trust the process.

Session one-understanding domestic violence

Took another big step today on my journey of healing and having a better understanding of domestic violence and working through it all.

I vowed I was done with abuse and been treated a particular way and with that comes attending living without violence program and having much needed support. Because with out I may slip back into old habits and I want to make the right choices from this point forward.

My triggers and emotions were high tonight, just listening and watching a video it really made me think about things and the disconnect I’m having with my son tonight and it’s very clear that I can’t fix him and I need to heal.

What I took away from tonight is a model that’s used called The Whare Tapa Wha if you think of a house it has walls, roof and a floor/ground, we look at ourselves as Wharenui/house. The ground represents Whenua, the walls represent Whanau and Tinana the roof represents Wairua and Hinengaro. At any point these weakened your Whare/house is comprised and your wellbeing.

Te Whare Tapa Wha
Broken down

Learnt the person who is doing the abuse has a cycle, the cycle of violence, abuse and control.

  • Trigger situation
  • Tension rising
  • Escalating abuse
  • Physical violence
  • Regrets phase
  • Hide the problem

Power and control wheel

Hard facts

This was my message i received tonight and it resonated with me and very fitting.

Dear son

Open letter to my son, I’ll never forget the day I found out I was pregnant with you it was definitely a dark time in my life and I was not expecting you but I’m glad you chose me to be your mum without you realising it saved my life and gave me the strength and the motivation to do better, I never wanted you to experience what your sisters had to go through.

You had a great life regardless of what you think,the places your been to, experiences and memories made. You may not have a dad around but I did both roles the best that I could,you had some amazing people to support you through your life. I will never say I was a perfect mum and I know there has been some challenges and tough times. But you have a great life and never had to experience what your sisters did, I sheltered you and held on to you tightly to protect you from things.

I made the decision to move to another location and there were many reasons why I made the decision to move to the manawatu, the biggest reason was to grow as a person and give us better opportunities and better schooling for you and your sister. Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned and that came down to my choice of a partner and I will forever own that and reflect on that.

The moment you started high school you changed and before I realized it you had absorbed a type of behavior and the way he treated me, even thou I tried my best to shelter you from it and protect you and ensured we had our home it didn’t make a difference.

Your behavior was causing issues with you at school, your relationship with your sisters and the people around you and most of all me your mum. It didn’t matter what I did it was never good enough for you, your words cut deep and you knew how to make me feel like shit. I want you to stop and realize I’m chronically ill and spent four years been abused emotionally and the effects of psychology abuse, things your not seen but I went thru, been run off road,to been left on the side of the road the list is endless. The physical abuse I went through, the feeling of been isolated from everyone.

I made the decision to send you to Masterson a decision I knew would leave me trapped I had ran out of options, support was limited so instead of you getting into more trouble and getting a record with truancy etc I sent you away, every week I paid money to ensure you were ok, just put up with more crap to keep you happy. Even after my assault I was struggling and living in different houses and each place hated your attitude and constant laziness and the way you treated me.

Becoming homeless, beyond broken and lucky to see another year, the right thing to do was come back to the bay and reconnect with people and have much needed support not only for me but for you as well. Watching linky grow up was so important to me and having a fresh start a place where I can heal and rebuild. I know your finding it hard and refuse to accept help and any responsibility for your behaviour and the abuse yes son it’s abuse.

Take note

Son I love you but I don’t love your behaviour, my door will always be home, I’ll continue to support you where needed. I deserve better and I’m over been treated like this enough is enough.

You have a wee boy who looks up to his uncle and that should be enough for you to stop and take a good hard look at your self and most importantly teaching that wee boy how you should treat women let alone any person, teaching home values,life skills and respect.

It’s time to stop and ask your self what sort of man do I want to be ??

You have been thru stuff I get it ,you may not like the living situation or been here. It’s time to stop been bitter and angry and starting living, creating the life you want.

One year on

Can not believe how much my life changed in a year. A year ago was the monster he emerged with black eyes and full of anger, I will not forget the day I was pushed into a wall and no way of getting away from the monster and feeling the fist connect with my face not once but twice, I honestly thought I was done I had no more strength in me, officially broken.

My son heard everything and was my life saver, ringing the police as much as was scared of what was about to come. I’ll never forget the words he spoke “you made me do this, it was just slap, forgive me”

The police arrived and had the conversation that I needed to get out and move on from this and actually get some much needed help and had to come to realization that is not ok behavior and I’m over been treated like this.

I started my healing journey and a journey of hard truths, been under counseling and having triggers and learning about battered women syndrome, PTSD and knowing I had to learn to love me and learn what relationship should look like.

A year on my relationship with my son is broken and non existent, as I decided to leave Masterson, bouncing from houses was not ok, little support and the constant triggers and the pull he would continue to have. Moving back home to the bay has been amazing unfortunately my son has hated the move and with out realizing actually how much the last four years effected him, the constant abuse he gives me and way he manipulates it’s like living with my ex all over again and become toxic and I had make the decision to remove my self till her accepts his faults and takes accountability for his actions he heading down crappy path.

My life has changed and I’ll continue to go through the emotions, every day I’m building my confidence,more dertimination to raise awareness and educate people along the way. Just remember you don’t need to be hit for it to be domestic violence.

“The Monster”

Avoiding the fact may has rolled around this is month I didn’t think I say I done a year of bloody hard work and the sheer strength I have found.

I’m trapped and drowning and I just can’t seem to escape and when I thought I had I was pulled back, over time you become trapped in the monsters cage and every day that passes you loose a bit of your self and your mind starts to change that this is all I’m over going to get it’s fine I don’t live with the monster Ill be fine he lurks in the dark and just eating away at parts of you with out you realize it your to far in and your world becomes lonley and dark your holding onto that last bit of light and hope.

The words he used cut deep, the way he would use his words was nasty.

I think your hungry you should go eat something, no one wants you, your lazy, I call cyps on you,your fat,no wonder your marriage failed, your ex’s right about, your kids are retards the list is endless and the comments were endless.

I became homeless, I lived in hotel, I slept in a car with my kids to protect them from the monster he can hurt me all he likes but not my kids.

My belongings were smashed or broken by the monster so at times i was having to restart.

I finally got a house might not be flash but we could breath and starting living, the monster was lurking and watching and keeping his hold on me but at least I had safe place.

Been watched, run off the road, there were times he would drive dangerously, there were times he would just flip out and rage, his anger was something you didn’t want to see and tried hard to avoid a rage.

This monster thought he was a cleaver and had every part of me controlled he thought it was funny seeing me cry and having panic attacks and playing mind games with me. This monster had pushed me to my limits I was fighting 8 illness and chronic pain every blow he would would destroy me and make more sicker, my closest friends thought I would not see 2022 I was so broken and sick.

May 2021 was the day I took my power back and told that monster I am done I deserve better than this.

The monster had me he took to punches to my face and I have never seen something so angry, his eyes were black. It took till this to realize I need to get out now.

My first step on my new journey was to get actually help this time, I won’t forget those words domestic violence, battered women syndrome and you have PTSD your triggers are real and I’ll be ok.

In one year I have been on my journey and I’m not that women anymore and I have learnt to love me, have self respect,no how I should be treated, been kind to my self, I have more confidence and I’m smiling more with less tears. The huge thing that has grown in a year is my identity and who I am, my journey not over nor is healing.

My last words are he does not need to hit you for it to be domestic violence.

Heres a bit of information on domestic violence.

My yoga journey

Wednesday topic-yoga this is my own personal journey.

Been chronically ill I been on path of managing things better and trying alternative ways. With the trauma and abuse I have been through I have had my own struggles, the one thing that stuck with me when the counselor said I don’t know how to stop and rest, I have this need to be busy all the time and the need to keep rescuing people.

Coming into a new year and been back home in the bay, ment new adventures and new things to try. Yoga was always something that I was drawn to but never thought I ever give it ago, my perception of yoga was you need to be skinny and have flash active wear and like how on earth would I get into those poses.

I can’t explain it, out of the yoga classes I found on Facebook there was one that stuck out for me, so I sent a message and that was me my yoga journey started. The first class I was full of aniexty and just didn’t know what to expect I went in with an open mind.

I have learnt so much about my self and learning to listen to my body when something not quite feeling right, learning to breath again and the benefits of each pose and my posture has improved and most importantly I have learnt to turn down the mind and allow my self to rest. I have learnt confidence and it’s ok if I can’t do a pose or mine may look different to others, improved sleeping.

Yoga is not about flexibility or getting abs it’s about finding inner peace and learn to let things go that are not serving us any good and holding us back and looking after your self from the inside to the outside.

The yoga pose is not the goal. Becoming flexible is not the goal. Standing on your hands is not the goal. The goal is serenity. Balance. Truly finding peace in your own skin. ― Rachel Brathen

There is many benefits to adding yoga to your life.

Don’t take my word for it give yoga ago today.

Yoga evenings

Innocence was taken

The last week has come with its highs and lows and plenty of questions and can’t forget reality check and things that have left me and the mind boggled.

My life has never been easy, nor have I had normal and to me normal is mum/dad live in the same house etc. I was born into chaos I never really had the mum and dad thing, I have mum and dad,I was adopted by dad 2 and dad 3 was my step dad and each one of these people had a small part to the chaos. I have siblings to dad 2 and 3 are you confused yet.

As I got older I made a vow to my self if I was ever a mum I would create my own beliefs and values I never wanted this type of life to any future children, I learnt how to cook, budget and every day living skills, I had no idea what to do in relationship I just knew that could not treat anyone the way I seen thru my life.

The story behind dad 1 my biological dad, I was taken off him at age of 5 waves and glitches were a regular thing, the whys and how’s I grew up with out him in my life, no one ever really spoke about him, becoming a mum gave me the urge and the not knowing and on going lies brought me to my dad at the age of 19, this short bearded man greeted me with tears and hugs and big welcome home sign. My dad had remarried and waited in the same house for me to come home not once did I feel unsafe, I asked him the hard questions he was adment he never touched me, the conversation was hard,seeing the pain and tears in his eyes, this has consumed his life and left him unwell, I had the case of he said she said thing happening between family members was I ever going to know the truth or do I take his word. Over the years he was part of my kids life’s , unfortunately he lost his wife and best friend that was the moment he changed and I was not to see or hear from him again. The year 2022 I went to house to only found he has passed away from cancer in August, no pH call nothing, I couldn’t believe this was happening it was like I was in movie, random lady holding on to ashes,I never got to say good bye and not one photo to keep, nothing, everything has gone any memories gone.

In the last week I learnt that my life feels like lie, I ask what happened to me and I never get a straight answer. At the age of 41 I learnt that my dad has done something to me and I’ll never know what or how for me there will always be that empty void of the unknown.

I’m sharing my story no matter what abuse I gone through as a child and adult has made me the person I am today i have PTSD,stress aniexty and my thoughts always wander, the trauma is real it effects my life in different ways and how I view things. My message to others if your in similar situation find someone and talk about it never hold on to it, always think how do I want my life, changing your mindset.Remember you are not a victim you are survivor, stand tall and be proud of the small steps your taking and celebrate the achievements.

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