Autoimmune disease,what is it?
“The burnout”
Burn out, exhaustion, over whelmed, tired, pain, triggers, emotions are just some of the words that explain my crazy life and how I’m feeling.
I feel like Alice in wonderland falling in hole, spinning,falling, no control and not sure what’s coming.
- Every part of my body hurts.
- My eyes are heavy and sore.
- My mind is scrambled.
- The triggers are firing off.
- Drowing in emotions.
- The over whelmed feels suffocating.
- My words get lost and scrambled.
- Been so tired it’s become robot mode
Landing from falling in the hole, your in a different world, everything is scary and as you walk along the path your more and more confused and it feels like there is no way out of this upside down, confusing world.
“Lost in the moment”
Connecting with people, taking a walk around the mount,hearing the birds sing, seal sunbathing on a rock, seeing people compete in a Waka race, sound of the waves crashing on the rocks. Coffee in the hand with great company I couldn’t ask for better start to the weekend.
Coming home has brought me to reconnecting with family, been a long time since I did the aunty and big sister buzz, Saturday night was hot pools and takeaways. It’s been a long time since we spent time together and alot of years been taken away with the family dynamics and dysfunction. It’s only the beginning its time to break the cycle and allow our children to have a connection and form there own bonds.
My cup is filled with so much love, gratitude and appreciation. How far I have come on my journey and how I look at life very differently.
Cruel realization..
On my healing journey I have found myself opening the doors to the past and trust me there is a reason you leave things in the past as they say. In my own thoughts and crazy thinking sometimes we have to open these doors, because sometimes there are things that have never been sorted, it was easier not to deal with, it was to horrible to want to remember.
What ever the reason is and every one is different, I’m glad I have finally got the strength and sense of I actually need to deal with this to move on in my life and get a sense of peace.
I’m the girl that was not ever wanted, I was brought into the world by someone who never wanted me it’s that simple. I’m not afraid to say it anymore, as I heal the more doors that open and I deal with things, I go through the emotions, I allow my self to feel, I allow my self to cry, I allow my self to be angry, but most importantly it don’t own me anymore and as the days pass I’m letting the yuck go.
I read the below quote and resonates with me why I’m the black sheep and I see so much crap, lies,deceit,hurt, manipulation, anger, mind games it leaves me disgusted and somewhat shamed for having a family like this.
I have self taught my self most things and only ever had my self, life has not been easy to me, I had some amazing people that have given me advice, support, treating me like I’m part of their family it’s these people that have helped me create my own values, beliefs and how I see the world I have learnt no matter my achievements, the wins I’m still that little girl that was never was wanted, family thar still continue to treat me like an outsider.
“Protection”
Protecting my peace, energy and looking after me has never really been my thing nor did I think it was important. I was always caught up in someone’s drama, ensured I was always busy so I didn’t need to deal with things, always trying to help and please people.
The journey I’m on and this healing process has taught me three important things.
- I don’t need to be busy and doing nothing is healthy and needed.
- Learning the word no and saying no.
- Not been involved in others drama and saying I’m protecting me for a change.
I have had alot of trauma and things I’m working on and having a quite life and one that is fill of people that actually understand and support me through my journey. People can leave at any time and that is ok, because this about me and what I need in my life.
If your in a place of healing or wanting your own peace, remember it’s ok to say no and it’s ok to look after you, you have one life make it count
“Learning is amazing”
I’m learning to let go of things I can not control and mending things that I have self sabotage, reconnecting with people and family. Some days it’s exhausting this healing buzz is not easy and learning new things and ways to do things has its own set of challenges.
What have I learnt so far from my journey..
- Don’t pass judgement till you know the facts.
- I’m actually in love and have missed this human.
- That it’s ok to say no.
- Putting my self first is priority.
- Asking for help.
- It’s ok to not be ok.
- I’m in control of my life and I make decisions that I feel is right.
- My children need to learn I’m not well and it’s not ok to be treated badly.
- Self care is so important.
- My passion and calling is helping people through my life coaching and support work.
- I have some amazing new people in my life.
- How I should be treated and what I deserve.
Im letting go of more things I can’t control and learning to just let things be if it’s ment to be it will be. As each week passes by with my living without violence course and counseling I’m becoming stronger person and more confident, I’m creating my life and how I want things to be, I protect my peace and myself. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring I just need to trust the process.
“Connections”
I’m on bus traveling to my daughters on much needed holiday. I’m on this journey of self discovery and learning to see life differently, I’m about inner peace, balance and been around postitive things, my wee house is my sanctuary. I have outgrown things and people and in place where I need to protect myself and that’s ok, particular people are been drawn to me, I find my self talking to a complete stranger and seeing the world a little different.
As I look out the window and pass through cities and towns, the animals,endless hills rich in different greens, old buildings that are just holding on I think) about what history does that house hold, the urupa’s (Maori tradition cemetery )where deceased people lie,seeing snow capped mountains you just realize how beautiful our country is and we are pretty lucky here in this country.
I’m sitting at the bus stop for lunch, three men and my selves all having lunch chatting away, sharing stories about our lives and where we heading to.
First man he called him self a traveller always moving as he belives life to short to be stuck in one place, he openly talked about his failed marriage and he has couple sons, he has drink driving charges and having a bourbon as he chats aways he asked me this once question ❓❓ why is that the NZ justice system always favour the woman, he’s had one charge and been treated unfairly, i had no answer but I had to agree to him some degree.
Second guy he moves around NZ for work as he’s a shearer, born in NZ been living in Australia he knew it was time to come home, openly talked about his past addictions like P and drinking.
Third guy older gentleman had this awesome sense of humor and belives in karma, gone through some tough times, he use to play rugby with Colin meads a famous rugby player back in the day.
Three different people with different lives and there battles with addictions they choose me to share their stories and as we parted ways we shared a handshakes, friendly hug and the words safe travels all the best.
Life’s about living and continuesly learning, we all have our journey and our own stories. Sometimes we forget or get caught up with other people’s opinions to actually talk with people not judge them just listen because sometimes that’s all that person wants is bit of time to feel heard and that one conversation could be there highlight of their day why because we don’t know their story.
When your out and about stop take in your surroundings and breath in gratitude and when you see someone say hi, give them compliment, have wee chat less judgement more kindness needed.
“Emotions”
Rewind to 2017 living in the south Waikato, i made a decision in may to move there were many reasons and can’t forget the man he was another reason.
Today I was surrounded by the things that I came back to the bay with and reality of how much I have I lost and multiple rebuilding my life it’s crazy to think, my life in boxes and some furniture that’s it.
As I started going thru things and repacking and sorting and doing the big clean of crap. Memories the experiences and the heartache all came flooding back the tears start rolling. The wee cards, the art work, certificates all this stuff that reminded me of the love,the fun times and how things are so different now. I moved back to the bay for many reasons the biggest one is my grandson.
As I sit here on a Friday night and reflect and write it’s made think how bloody strong and how resilient I am as person, the things I been through it’s crazy. The last 6 mths have been the toughest I had to face some hard truths, new love just gone, place to call home,new friendships, joined yoga, bonding with my grandson and the hardest one is realising your own child behaviour is abuse and I’m drowning and just broken. Reaching out for support was the first step in my next part of my journey was to heal.
I’m going on wee holiday with my daughter this is time for me to recharge my batteries and reflect and have some much needed time with my daughter. Work out my plan and goals for the next six months I’m excited as I’m starting to feel excited and have so many ideas and things going on in my head all will be reveled after my holiday.
“I can feel the change”
It’s Friday night and its moments like this where I look around it’s been a while since I had a place to put my favorite things, things that matter, creating my own space a space where there is complete calm a place where there is no negative memories or experiences a space that I feel safe that space is my wee home.
The nights might be lonely but I refuse to settle for less than i deserve, I have learnt to like my own space and company been chronically ill has helped me that there will be lot of time I’m on my own, I spent along time just allowing certain behaviours from men and always been the girl that gives and gives, not anymore.
Dear son
Open letter to my son, I’ll never forget the day I found out I was pregnant with you it was definitely a dark time in my life and I was not expecting you but I’m glad you chose me to be your mum without you realising it saved my life and gave me the strength and the motivation to do better, I never wanted you to experience what your sisters had to go through.
You had a great life regardless of what you think,the places your been to, experiences and memories made. You may not have a dad around but I did both roles the best that I could,you had some amazing people to support you through your life. I will never say I was a perfect mum and I know there has been some challenges and tough times. But you have a great life and never had to experience what your sisters did, I sheltered you and held on to you tightly to protect you from things.
I made the decision to move to another location and there were many reasons why I made the decision to move to the manawatu, the biggest reason was to grow as a person and give us better opportunities and better schooling for you and your sister. Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned and that came down to my choice of a partner and I will forever own that and reflect on that.
The moment you started high school you changed and before I realized it you had absorbed a type of behavior and the way he treated me, even thou I tried my best to shelter you from it and protect you and ensured we had our home it didn’t make a difference.
Your behavior was causing issues with you at school, your relationship with your sisters and the people around you and most of all me your mum. It didn’t matter what I did it was never good enough for you, your words cut deep and you knew how to make me feel like shit. I want you to stop and realize I’m chronically ill and spent four years been abused emotionally and the effects of psychology abuse, things your not seen but I went thru, been run off road,to been left on the side of the road the list is endless. The physical abuse I went through, the feeling of been isolated from everyone.
I made the decision to send you to Masterson a decision I knew would leave me trapped I had ran out of options, support was limited so instead of you getting into more trouble and getting a record with truancy etc I sent you away, every week I paid money to ensure you were ok, just put up with more crap to keep you happy. Even after my assault I was struggling and living in different houses and each place hated your attitude and constant laziness and the way you treated me.
Becoming homeless, beyond broken and lucky to see another year, the right thing to do was come back to the bay and reconnect with people and have much needed support not only for me but for you as well. Watching linky grow up was so important to me and having a fresh start a place where I can heal and rebuild. I know your finding it hard and refuse to accept help and any responsibility for your behaviour and the abuse yes son it’s abuse.
Son I love you but I don’t love your behaviour, my door will always be home, I’ll continue to support you where needed. I deserve better and I’m over been treated like this enough is enough.
You have a wee boy who looks up to his uncle and that should be enough for you to stop and take a good hard look at your self and most importantly teaching that wee boy how you should treat women let alone any person, teaching home values,life skills and respect.
It’s time to stop and ask your self what sort of man do I want to be ??
You have been thru stuff I get it ,you may not like the living situation or been here. It’s time to stop been bitter and angry and starting living, creating the life you want.
Raising awareness
Thank you vogue for allowing me to share my story. It’s great read about chronic pelvic pain
One year on
Can not believe how much my life changed in a year. A year ago was the monster he emerged with black eyes and full of anger, I will not forget the day I was pushed into a wall and no way of getting away from the monster and feeling the fist connect with my face not once but twice, I honestly thought I was done I had no more strength in me, officially broken.
My son heard everything and was my life saver, ringing the police as much as was scared of what was about to come. I’ll never forget the words he spoke “you made me do this, it was just slap, forgive me”
The police arrived and had the conversation that I needed to get out and move on from this and actually get some much needed help and had to come to realization that is not ok behavior and I’m over been treated like this.
I started my healing journey and a journey of hard truths, been under counseling and having triggers and learning about battered women syndrome, PTSD and knowing I had to learn to love me and learn what relationship should look like.
A year on my relationship with my son is broken and non existent, as I decided to leave Masterson, bouncing from houses was not ok, little support and the constant triggers and the pull he would continue to have. Moving back home to the bay has been amazing unfortunately my son has hated the move and with out realizing actually how much the last four years effected him, the constant abuse he gives me and way he manipulates it’s like living with my ex all over again and become toxic and I had make the decision to remove my self till her accepts his faults and takes accountability for his actions he heading down crappy path.
My life has changed and I’ll continue to go through the emotions, every day I’m building my confidence,more dertimination to raise awareness and educate people along the way. Just remember you don’t need to be hit for it to be domestic violence.
“The Monster”
Avoiding the fact may has rolled around this is month I didn’t think I say I done a year of bloody hard work and the sheer strength I have found.
I’m trapped and drowning and I just can’t seem to escape and when I thought I had I was pulled back, over time you become trapped in the monsters cage and every day that passes you loose a bit of your self and your mind starts to change that this is all I’m over going to get it’s fine I don’t live with the monster Ill be fine he lurks in the dark and just eating away at parts of you with out you realize it your to far in and your world becomes lonley and dark your holding onto that last bit of light and hope.
The words he used cut deep, the way he would use his words was nasty.
I think your hungry you should go eat something, no one wants you, your lazy, I call cyps on you,your fat,no wonder your marriage failed, your ex’s right about, your kids are retards the list is endless and the comments were endless.
I became homeless, I lived in hotel, I slept in a car with my kids to protect them from the monster he can hurt me all he likes but not my kids.
My belongings were smashed or broken by the monster so at times i was having to restart.
I finally got a house might not be flash but we could breath and starting living, the monster was lurking and watching and keeping his hold on me but at least I had safe place.
Been watched, run off the road, there were times he would drive dangerously, there were times he would just flip out and rage, his anger was something you didn’t want to see and tried hard to avoid a rage.
This monster thought he was a cleaver and had every part of me controlled he thought it was funny seeing me cry and having panic attacks and playing mind games with me. This monster had pushed me to my limits I was fighting 8 illness and chronic pain every blow he would would destroy me and make more sicker, my closest friends thought I would not see 2022 I was so broken and sick.
May 2021 was the day I took my power back and told that monster I am done I deserve better than this.
The monster had me he took to punches to my face and I have never seen something so angry, his eyes were black. It took till this to realize I need to get out now.
My first step on my new journey was to get actually help this time, I won’t forget those words domestic violence, battered women syndrome and you have PTSD your triggers are real and I’ll be ok.
In one year I have been on my journey and I’m not that women anymore and I have learnt to love me, have self respect,no how I should be treated, been kind to my self, I have more confidence and I’m smiling more with less tears. The huge thing that has grown in a year is my identity and who I am, my journey not over nor is healing.
My last words are he does not need to hit you for it to be domestic violence.
Heres a bit of information on domestic violence.
One year down
One year ago I started this journey, took the advice and after long arguments with my body I stopped working, support work is what I love doing so I was feeling a bit flat, I had so much in my head I had to get out.
This started as blog the devil inside it was like my way of helping my mental health it was a way I could raise awareness and educate people along the way, I didn’t even realize how much was in my head and I had opened another door one i could help people through my blog, I pondered my thoughts and signed up to do life coaching certificate and now it’s time to revamp and create my life coaching career with my unique touch, experiences and struggles
Nirvana Life Coaching was created with its own vision and mission something I’m so passionate about. I have created a Facebook page and growing that day by day, I had so many people message, comment, join nirvana life coaching community, a place where you can start your own journey and tell your story.
Nirvana Life coaching has created learn with Nirvana Life coaching this a place where you will find all online courses that are available, 7 day introductory-Self discovery is available and a wellness and mindset course in construction. The first short story is available as ebook the devil inside is my own personal story living with illness. Also created a magazine this will continue once I have all the courses done.
Behind the scenes Im personally been going through my own journey and I had one hell of year that’s tested me in so many ways,I’m home now in the beautiful Bay of Plenty enjoying the beach been so close,yoga and gym every week and been around my moko and daughter, reconnecting been surreal feeling.
Don’t forget to subscribe and say hello, don’t forget we have writers corner time to share your story and be featured. Let’s see what we can do in another year.
Bridge of transformation
I feel like im lost and just wandering the same path, im on this journey of self discovery and healing. The path has veered me off course many times and I have always found my way back to this particular path.
As im walking i hear the forest ground crunching under my feet, the wildlife communicating with their own sound, trees moving in the wind,sun glistening thru. I just get lost in the moment and think how far I have come and how beautiful this path really is and it’s only now you see the beauty not the nightmare.
Think about how much I have grown, the things I have survived, the challenges and hurdles and this path couldn’t get any better. Come to a wee clearing the sound of water and there is the most amazing bridge and vibrant pink cherry blossom trees.
It’s at this point I’m standing at the bridge and I just get this surreal feeling that im going to be ok and good things are coming my way.
Hearing the water under the bridge gives me the calm feeling as i gaze up see the cherry blossom trees in full bloom, with the petals under my feet, beautiful lotus flower amongst the lily pads reminds me why I become a life coach,i get lost in the surroundings.
I have one decision to make cross this bridge and see what’s on the other side or keep walking the path along the river.
I made the decision to cross this beautiful bridge, with every step I embrace my new surroundings and reflect on my journey to this point. What awaits me on the other side is a mystery.
