On my healing journey I have found myself opening the doors to the past and trust me there is a reason you leave things in the past as they say. In my own thoughts and crazy thinking sometimes we have to open these doors, because sometimes there are things that have never been sorted, it was easier not to deal with, it was to horrible to want to remember.
What ever the reason is and every one is different, I’m glad I have finally got the strength and sense of I actually need to deal with this to move on in my life and get a sense of peace.
I’m the girl that was not ever wanted, I was brought into the world by someone who never wanted me it’s that simple. I’m not afraid to say it anymore, as I heal the more doors that open and I deal with things, I go through the emotions, I allow my self to feel, I allow my self to cry, I allow my self to be angry, but most importantly it don’t own me anymore and as the days pass I’m letting the yuck go.
I read the below quote and resonates with me why I’m the black sheep and I see so much crap, lies,deceit,hurt, manipulation, anger, mind games it leaves me disgusted and somewhat shamed for having a family like this.
I have self taught my self most things and only ever had my self, life has not been easy to me, I had some amazing people that have given me advice, support, treating me like I’m part of their family it’s these people that have helped me create my own values, beliefs and how I see the world I have learnt no matter my achievements, the wins I’m still that little girl that was never was wanted, family thar still continue to treat me like an outsider.
I’m learning to let go of things I can not control and mending things that I have self sabotage, reconnecting with people and family. Some days it’s exhausting this healing buzz is not easy and learning new things and ways to do things has its own set of challenges.
What have I learnt so far from my journey..
Don’t pass judgement till you know the facts.
I’m actually in love and have missed this human.
That it’s ok to say no.
Putting my self first is priority.
Asking for help.
It’s ok to not be ok.
I’m in control of my life and I make decisions that I feel is right.
My children need to learn I’m not well and it’s not ok to be treated badly.
Self care is so important.
My passion and calling is helping people through my life coaching and support work.
I have some amazing new people in my life.
How I should be treated and what I deserve.
Im letting go of more things I can’t control and learning to just let things be if it’s ment to be it will be. As each week passes by with my living without violence course and counseling I’m becoming stronger person and more confident, I’m creating my life and how I want things to be, I protect my peace and myself. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring I just need to trust the process.
Rewind to 2017 living in the south Waikato, i made a decision in may to move there were many reasons and can’t forget the man he was another reason.
Today I was surrounded by the things that I came back to the bay with and reality of how much I have I lost and multiple rebuilding my life it’s crazy to think, my life in boxes and some furniture that’s it.
As I started going thru things and repacking and sorting and doing the big clean of crap. Memories the experiences and the heartache all came flooding back the tears start rolling. The wee cards, the art work, certificates all this stuff that reminded me of the love,the fun times and how things are so different now. I moved back to the bay for many reasons the biggest one is my grandson.
As I sit here on a Friday night and reflect and write it’s made think how bloody strong and how resilient I am as person, the things I been through it’s crazy. The last 6 mths have been the toughest I had to face some hard truths, new love just gone, place to call home,new friendships, joined yoga, bonding with my grandson and the hardest one is realising your own child behaviour is abuse and I’m drowning and just broken. Reaching out for support was the first step in my next part of my journey was to heal.
I’m going on wee holiday with my daughter this is time for me to recharge my batteries and reflect and have some much needed time with my daughter. Work out my plan and goals for the next six months I’m excited as I’m starting to feel excited and have so many ideas and things going on in my head all will be reveled after my holiday.
Took another big step today on my journey of healing and having a better understanding of domestic violence and working through it all.
I vowed I was done with abuse and been treated a particular way and with that comes attending living without violence program and having much needed support. Because with out I may slip back into old habits and I want to make the right choices from this point forward.
My triggers and emotions were high tonight, just listening and watching a video it really made me think about things and the disconnect I’m having with my son tonight and it’s very clear that I can’t fix him and I need to heal.
What I took away from tonight is a model that’s used called The Whare Tapa Wha if you think of a house it has walls, roof and a floor/ground, we look at ourselves as Wharenui/house. The ground represents Whenua, the walls represent Whanau and Tinana the roof represents Wairua and Hinengaro. At any point these weakened your Whare/house is comprised and your wellbeing.
Learnt the person who is doing the abuse has a cycle, the cycle of violence, abuse and control.
Hide the problem
Power and control wheel
This was my message i received tonight and it resonated with me and very fitting.
It’s Friday night and its moments like this where I look around it’s been a while since I had a place to put my favorite things, things that matter, creating my own space a space where there is complete calm a place where there is no negative memories or experiences a space that I feel safe that space is my wee home.
The nights might be lonely but I refuse to settle for less than i deserve, I have learnt to like my own space and company been chronically ill has helped me that there will be lot of time I’m on my own, I spent along time just allowing certain behaviours from men and always been the girl that gives and gives, not anymore.
Open letter to my son, I’ll never forget the day I found out I was pregnant with you it was definitely a dark time in my life and I was not expecting you but I’m glad you chose me to be your mum without you realising it saved my life and gave me the strength and the motivation to do better, I never wanted you to experience what your sisters had to go through.
You had a great life regardless of what you think,the places your been to, experiences and memories made. You may not have a dad around but I did both roles the best that I could,you had some amazing people to support you through your life. I will never say I was a perfect mum and I know there has been some challenges and tough times. But you have a great life and never had to experience what your sisters did, I sheltered you and held on to you tightly to protect you from things.
I made the decision to move to another location and there were many reasons why I made the decision to move to the manawatu, the biggest reason was to grow as a person and give us better opportunities and better schooling for you and your sister. Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned and that came down to my choice of a partner and I will forever own that and reflect on that.
The moment you started high school you changed and before I realized it you had absorbed a type of behavior and the way he treated me, even thou I tried my best to shelter you from it and protect you and ensured we had our home it didn’t make a difference.
Your behavior was causing issues with you at school, your relationship with your sisters and the people around you and most of all me your mum. It didn’t matter what I did it was never good enough for you, your words cut deep and you knew how to make me feel like shit. I want you to stop and realize I’m chronically ill and spent four years been abused emotionally and the effects of psychology abuse, things your not seen but I went thru, been run off road,to been left on the side of the road the list is endless. The physical abuse I went through, the feeling of been isolated from everyone.
I made the decision to send you to Masterson a decision I knew would leave me trapped I had ran out of options, support was limited so instead of you getting into more trouble and getting a record with truancy etc I sent you away, every week I paid money to ensure you were ok, just put up with more crap to keep you happy. Even after my assault I was struggling and living in different houses and each place hated your attitude and constant laziness and the way you treated me.
Becoming homeless, beyond broken and lucky to see another year, the right thing to do was come back to the bay and reconnect with people and have much needed support not only for me but for you as well. Watching linky grow up was so important to me and having a fresh start a place where I can heal and rebuild. I know your finding it hard and refuse to accept help and any responsibility for your behaviour and the abuse yes son it’s abuse.
Son I love you but I don’t love your behaviour, my door will always be home, I’ll continue to support you where needed. I deserve better and I’m over been treated like this enough is enough.
You have a wee boy who looks up to his uncle and that should be enough for you to stop and take a good hard look at your self and most importantly teaching that wee boy how you should treat women let alone any person, teaching home values,life skills and respect.
It’s time to stop and ask your self what sort of man do I want to be ??
You have been thru stuff I get it ,you may not like the living situation or been here. It’s time to stop been bitter and angry and starting living, creating the life you want.
Can not believe how much my life changed in a year. A year ago was the monster he emerged with black eyes and full of anger, I will not forget the day I was pushed into a wall and no way of getting away from the monster and feeling the fist connect with my face not once but twice, I honestly thought I was done I had no more strength in me, officially broken.
My son heard everything and was my life saver, ringing the police as much as was scared of what was about to come. I’ll never forget the words he spoke “you made me do this, it was just slap, forgive me”
The police arrived and had the conversation that I needed to get out and move on from this and actually get some much needed help and had to come to realization that is not ok behavior and I’m over been treated like this.
I started my healing journey and a journey of hard truths, been under counseling and having triggers and learning about battered women syndrome, PTSD and knowing I had to learn to love me and learn what relationship should look like.
A year on my relationship with my son is broken and non existent, as I decided to leave Masterson, bouncing from houses was not ok, little support and the constant triggers and the pull he would continue to have. Moving back home to the bay has been amazing unfortunately my son has hated the move and with out realizing actually how much the last four years effected him, the constant abuse he gives me and way he manipulates it’s like living with my ex all over again and become toxic and I had make the decision to remove my self till her accepts his faults and takes accountability for his actions he heading down crappy path.
My life has changed and I’ll continue to go through the emotions, every day I’m building my confidence,more dertimination to raise awareness and educate people along the way. Just remember you don’t need to be hit for it to be domestic violence.
The last week has come with its highs and lows and plenty of questions and can’t forget reality check and things that have left me and the mind boggled.
My life has never been easy, nor have I had normal and to me normal is mum/dad live in the same house etc. I was born into chaos I never really had the mum and dad thing, I have mum and dad,I was adopted by dad 2 and dad 3 was my step dad and each one of these people had a small part to the chaos. I have siblings to dad 2 and 3 are you confused yet.
As I got older I made a vow to my self if I was ever a mum I would create my own beliefs and values I never wanted this type of life to any future children, I learnt how to cook, budget and every day living skills, I had no idea what to do in relationship I just knew that could not treat anyone the way I seen thru my life.
The story behind dad 1 my biological dad, I was taken off him at age of 5 waves and glitches were a regular thing, the whys and how’s I grew up with out him in my life, no one ever really spoke about him, becoming a mum gave me the urge and the not knowing and on going lies brought me to my dad at the age of 19, this short bearded man greeted me with tears and hugs and big welcome home sign. My dad had remarried and waited in the same house for me to come home not once did I feel unsafe, I asked him the hard questions he was adment he never touched me, the conversation was hard,seeing the pain and tears in his eyes, this has consumed his life and left him unwell, I had the case of he said she said thing happening between family members was I ever going to know the truth or do I take his word. Over the years he was part of my kids life’s , unfortunately he lost his wife and best friend that was the moment he changed and I was not to see or hear from him again. The year 2022 I went to house to only found he has passed away from cancer in August, no pH call nothing, I couldn’t believe this was happening it was like I was in movie, random lady holding on to ashes,I never got to say good bye and not one photo to keep, nothing, everything has gone any memories gone.
In the last week I learnt that my life feels like lie, I ask what happened to me and I never get a straight answer. At the age of 41 I learnt that my dad has done something to me and I’ll never know what or how for me there will always be that empty void of the unknown.
I’m sharing my story no matter what abuse I gone through as a child and adult has made me the person I am today i have PTSD,stress aniexty and my thoughts always wander, the trauma is real it effects my life in different ways and how I view things. My message to others if your in similar situation find someone and talk about it never hold on to it, always think how do I want my life, changing your mindset.Remember you are not a victim you are survivor, stand tall and be proud of the small steps your taking and celebrate the achievements.
Wind up reflection for the year as my head is in crazy space and writing always helps, when I started this website at the start of year it was just a way for me cope with my life struggles,living with chronic pain and a place where I could vent in some odd way to help others,raise awareness and educate people. This website is been a creation in its own self a true reflection of who I am as a person and the need to help others.
I had the year from hell, in one year I have moved multiple times so having stability has not been easy, not having my own place to call home has been a huge challenge for me and living in someone else space again not easy. I finally closed the door to a relationship that served me no purpose instead I lost my self,lost my voice and confidence, huge wake up a call for me, day I got hit was the day I changed and my path to healing and getting me back started.
I had to face my own trauma instead of hiding from it, learning how to manage my multiple illnesses and realize I need let go of the old me and embrace the new me. Been a mum watching your children grow up into adults and not needing me as much as also been a huge thing for me to process.
I’m battling so much with my own health, new illness to challenge me every day I’m battling thus body and sometimes it just feels to much. No matter what I continue to eat healthy and make better choices I been in the gym for nearly year, huge process in my strength and my over all mental health.
New relationship was the last thing in my mind it happened, he’s been amazing and a huge support over the last few weeks im feeling torn it’s like he’s not really listening to me and showing much support, it’s leaving me questioning things my head already so confused as it is, feeling alone is not the greatest feeling. Here’s hoping it’s hickup and things will start feeling like normal at the moment im clouded with uncertainty.
As I wind up 2021 I can say i survived domestic abuse,created a magazine,learnt who I am and most of a journey of healing and self discovery. I’m not sure what 2022 has in stored for me I’m ready to close the door to 2021.
Reflection…. Yesterday I was faced with my past and had to relive things that I I’d rather not, but it’s all about the healing and forgiving myself. I’m hurt and still have some anger, I still get annoyed that he is able to walk around with not a care in the world and I’m left with PTSD,triggers, and a new illness. As I stoped and drowned my self in every emotion and going through conversations it dawned on me and sense of realization of how far I have grown as person.
I’m not going to sugar coat nothing, I’m broken 💔💔 my heart has been stomped on, I had a man raise his fist, verbal and emotional abuse on top of been chroniclly ill, it’s bloody hard work everyday I’m fighting the demons, I’m far from perfect and I’m on journey of healing and learning to love my self and build confidence and find me again.
Life had other thoughts and plonked a man in the mix as I’m on my path doing my thing, our paths collide half of me was like turn right or left a confused mind, I was still coming out of dark place.He asked for my heart and promised to look after it, scared and afraid I gave him my heart and told him to look after it, every day passes another peice of my heart is put together, he is my calm through my storm and I’m pretty god dam lucky to have him he has accepted me for everything, as one door closes another has opened I’m embracing the change and the new me coming back to kick life’s ass one more time.
Suppose to be sleeping the good ole head won’t shut off, does not help that good ole Freddy Krueger come to play and wrecking havoc in my insides the pain levels are on high.
As one door closes a new one opens and you have this new book with empty pages and starting new beginnings. You got this empty book and start thinking how am I going to do things different? What things do I want to achieve? So many things running around the head.
As I’m healing and addressing things in my self magically things are happening, I have regained my identity and good things continue to happen like new surroundings, much needed support and better medical care. One thing that has happened and caught me off guard as it was last thing on my mind, I call him mystery he has come into my life and givin me feelings I never experienced and we just get each other, we both had our fair share of crap and we both have crap to sort and we both are healing. This has me excited and I’m unsure of the what’s and the where’s for now I’m cruising life on slower speed and enjoying my new life.
I am survivor and battered women syndrome is real and when your in it life just passes by you loose bit of you every day, you become use to that environment. I am free and I am healing and the past no longer controls me, I know my worth and what I deserve.
It’s Sunday here in New Zealand, pretty much dinner time. As the day is coming to a end, I’m doing my weekly reflection something I just started and putting your self in a quite area, I have always music going it takes me to place of calm, I never focus on the bad more of ok how can I do that differently, always look at what I have achieved and the things that I found a real struggle.
My first reflection is on how life can change quickly, the more you heal, as your mind changes your sending different vibes out, I have been asking my self latley:
What does love feel like ?
What is love ?
How I want a relationship ?
How the heck do you date with multiple illness ?
As I’m figuring this out and as I heal and change the way I see a relationship and how to have a healthy relationship, as I not done well on that front and have taken some serious mental notes from my last serious three relationships. I deserve the best and to be treated with respect and have someone actually be obssed with me and have a understanding and connection from start. I will never allow another guy to disrespect me or put a hand on me and most of taken a piece of me.
I’m left with this exciting feeling and knots in the tummy, things I not felt before, so what is this I ask?, It’s amazing feeling to be able to talk about your illnesses, life your struggles and they want to listen, they take the time to make you feel special, a simple text can put a smile on your face, I don’t know where this will go but I’m pretty excited to find out and what’s the worst that could happen gain a new best friend.
Reflection two is about how flawed and how my emotions were shaken about. Even thou my relationship ended I still keep on my exs son, the sad part about this in four years I did more for them then there own father and yesterday I learnt how selfish someone can be. My step son lives with my daughter and their partners and we have been going through alot with him, yesterday this kids snaps and decides that life’s not Worth living let alone the abuse that spews out of his mouth at his partner, sadly it’s a huge trigger and my aniexty levels go up that is exactly what my life was the insults, yelling, crying,hurt and feeling trapped all came back, my heart breaks because she has accepted that’s ok, currently the situation is I had him sectioned under the mental health act and in a mental ward getting some much needed help, he’s so angry at me for doing it, and not once did his dad make contact and even show a sign of care, this poor child never had chance even before he was born exposed to drugs and alcohol raised by his grandparents, mum never to be seen and the dad can’t be bothered there so much hate and this kid has carried for years, I’m grateful he’s still here but has long way to go, I know our mental health system needs a overhaul and major resources as the system is broken.
Reflection three is something my shrink said that’s played on my mind, he’s been telling me I don’t need to be busy all the time and take time to rest. Hmmm what does he mean by that. That night I did my normal, I switched off had my music playing, my happy medicine,doing my reflecting and then it clicked this is what he means by rest. I want to really stress how important it is even if it it’s only hour, put the phone down and and actually switch off, it’s amazing what it can do for your mind and give you a better sleep, it’s good time to think about life and goals or just to refocus. Today is the start of rest Sundays I have had not much choice today because of my pain levels, I have enjoyed listening to music, happy medicine, couple drinks, Netflix and added bonus dinner was cooked for me, I was able to rest and reflect my week the highs the lows and my achievements. I strongly recommend to make a day for your self and rest and forget about the world.
That’s me done for another week and looking forward to many more conversations with Mr spunk, recharged for the gym and one assessment to complete, website to finish. Everyone have a amazing week and stay positive and don’t forget to rest.
Life has not been kind, life has had more hurdles and sometimes i can get over them other times i trip and fall. As I close to the door to life i once knew and things i have been holding on to for a long time this includes guilt, trauma,abuse. A relationship that i just settled for as i wanted someone to just want me and accept my illness and flaws, the years of been told im fat, i should go eat something i look hungry the list is endless, walking on egg shells and not sure what mood he be in, thats what my life has been like for 4 years and this just became normal, till the punch in the face and thats when my life changed and everything i thought was gone. In the last few months has had so much up heavel new town, new doctors,new friends, new surroundings and as i start my new book with a new chapter.
I decided the best place to start this chapter is getting some counsling and allowing my self time to heal and continue to grow as a person and focus on my passion, getting my health to a managble state. I want to say never be afraid to reach out for help, there is no shame to say i need help, life is hard and some days brutal and im pretty sure we all said stuff this i give up. If your settling in life weather its a job or a relationship, career stop and think you get one life and life is so precious and you dont know how long you have instead of settling or been unhappy, take a moment to stop and reflect and ask your self are you happy??
I have learnt so much about my self and things that have been a complete trainwreck im still breathing and been given another day. Follow me on my journey of self discovery and healing.
Super sick at the moment, second sinus infection, start of rsv infection, reason I’m so quite lately, I’ll be back already started my first ebook that’s rather exciting.
I have carried so much for so long and finally getting the much needed help, and to start healing from the past and moving forward one day at time. My life been like a wardrobe just keep stuffing things in it, till the weight of the pressure of that stuff the door finally busts open. I feel good I’m looking forward to this journey of my own self discovery and as I’m learning and growing, I hope if your in similar situation you seek help and find your self again.