October 21 2021
"Healing is a beautiful journey"
I had this image in my idea what my life would look like, i wanted the husband, house and the children and be sucessfull in what ever i was choosen to do. Everybody has this image of there perfect guy and what he would look and how you see your self walking down the asile in that dress your always wanted, the house with all the things that you imagined and then you have the children.
Im walking this path called life, my path is like been in a forest has the patches of light coming through through the trees and then there are parts that are cold and dark and then i stumble along some short cuts and decide well fuck it lets go on adventure this path is dark and scary, monsters lurking in the trees and any point your not sure weather you get off this path and at times your sheltering under tree scared and feeling alone, no more energy to carry on your sick of fighting the monsters, you just want to get off this path. Before you relize it your back on the right path every now then i seem to find another shortcut and go through the same thing.
Im 41 and im mumma to three amazing kids two have left home and doing their life now and im pretty lucky to be amazing nanny to a handsome boy. I have sucessfully have qualifications behind me that ranges in buisness, hospitality, and health care, i had some amazing jobs and met some pretty cool people along the way. I have a way with words and im always finding a postitive in everything i do in life, rasied some pretty amazing humans, im bubbly and ill always say hi to random person or even have a chat and most of im giving compliments to anyone who crosses my path. Unfourtnatly underneath all this is a women who is broken and seen some things in her life and experienced pain, hurt, constant let down, abuse, bullying the list is like endless book. There has been times where i have choosen to give up and end all the pain and hurt im stilll here, i learnt to push through and the art of a fake smile. No matter what im going through i remain the bubbly, outgoing person and still saw life as a beautiful thing. One thing i have never been good at is the choice of my partners i had the three main relationships i had in my life has caused me so much distress and chaos in my life and left me thinking is this normal no matter how bad it got i always had excuse for their behaviour, carried on like a happy family, always said i was fine and pushed through it the crazy. I lost my girls for seven years and i had to fight the system,family, all i could think was please let the hurt stop im not a bad person. I never grew up with a mum and dad instead i grew up in dysfunction and had many dads and mum that was vacant and used words as weapons. Been cheated on and heard every vile word to come out of a mans mouth. I spent many years chronically ill and with chronic pain spent days in bed watching the day pass by, lost friends and family, spent time curled up in the shower in agony, embrassing moment like number two accidents, bleeding unexpectdly agian the list is endless. The last five years have been the hardest i dont know what makes this guy different to the rest i was about to be shaken to the core and left thinking what the hell and i would have to make some serious changes in my self. I honestly thought i found the guy i was going to spend my life with he was funny and he seem to get me, things were going great and then it was like holy hell he changed the words that came of his mouth were vile and the anger was surfacing like a volcano about to erupt, the life i knew was gone and things were about to get shakey, i moved from everything i knew and left my daughter behind yes there were factors going on and i needed a fresh start and a place that would give me and my children more opportunites so i thought this was a great path to follow.
Imagine arriving on island the sun is shining, the sand is glowing and glistering and its warm on your feet, you can hear the birds chirping and every colour you can think of its in the plants, sky, widlife its amazing and you get the feeling of happiness, sense of love, fuzzy feelings. Things are going great there is always this sense of danger lurking like a monster lurking in the shadows, that sense of danger grows each day and the monster starts making a appreance in sense of selfish behaviour, temper and wanting to destroy my things these things were personal to me.
The days were becoming darker one night out of the blue when i needed a partner get my sick child to hospital the monster emerged in rage voiced raised throwing my things, as the monster ranted i was packing my car and getting my humans out there, it was a dark night and all of us snuggled in blankets in the car, while the humans slept i cried and cried like i never cried before left in confusion in the panic attack i closed my eyes took me back to that first image of the island waking up in panic with over 50 messages and the monster was still raging, i knew i had to leave, each night i slept with my daughter till i got the call we got you temporary home.
Instead of a island full of beauty endless opportunities i was stuck in a storm and had no idea how bad it was about to get for me. New place, no friends, my body is shutting down im sick all the time, the days were dark and lonley.
Remaining loyal to my relationship with the monster asborbing the words like your fat, no one ever want you, you look hungry, why are lazy every day it was something new or like a cd stuck on reapeat, the monster was striping my confidence, isolating me, accusations, running me off the road the list is long and before i knew the monster has me in his grips and i just accepted defeat took the good with the bad, i learnt to fake and act like i was happy to save all the questions. took the blows, insults, questioned everything. Even thou i never lived with this monster he was all lurking in the shadows ready to come out and play havoc. The days were passing they were turning onto months and foolowed by years, i was in the monsters clutching, loosing my self more and more everyday been consumed in every way by the monster, everytime he left me weather it was to the ex, another chic and more excuses i find my self sucked right back in........
HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS STORM !!!!
I have nothing left to give im tired and i feel after the first breakdown im heading for another one...
The monster was growing stronger as i was growing weaker, one very dark day as the monster was raging, monster with his black eyes,and snarling at me had me trapped and raging from his vile mouth, i felt the fist connect with my face once was just not enough, i cried and wanted the monster away from me, i needed to escape and huddle trying to control the breathing, right at that point i had a moment of
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING PUTTING UP WITH THIS??????
The monster left knowing there was help coming for me, my life was about to change and change for the best, unfourntaly this monster stills continues to lurk in the shadows, ready to come out at any time.
Please seek help if you can relate to my story, a monster does not have to hit you for it be domestic violence rememeber that mental and emotional abuse can be far worst, dont try to tackle this on your own seek help i have some amazing people that are supporting me on my journey of healing and the person im becoming is a pretty amazing lady and one im pretty proud of.
This journey has led me to a passion of writing and taking my experiences, sharing my story into amazing life coaching path and helping others. been chronically ill and living with chronic pain i have learnt that trauma has a link to this, going to the gym, managing my illness my body is starting to relax and not hurt so much. I dont where this journey is going to take me, im embracing the change, and going with it.
"Not untill we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." Henry David Thoreau
My journey is not over i still have alot of healing to do, my life is like a book sometimes you got close the book and start a new one, fresh chapters, new experiences and memories this time the book be named the "The come back,"journey of self discovery and healing.
I have this most amazing human that i met along my path, hiding in the trees he appears, big smile, see his soul in his eyes, the way he talks, the compliments that roll out of his mouth, lost in conversation with him hours pass by, the support he shows, understanding of my illnesss. This amazing human has become part of my journey of healing and self discovery and he teaches me something new every day and somethings are foreign to me but im open and loving this feeling, this amazing human is someone who makes me feel safe and when im not so good he is able to calm me.
"As i stand here in front of him with a two jars one is empty and the other holds the broken peices of my heart, he looks at me and asks if he can be the one to look after my broken heart and slowly put the peices together, hands shaking and thoughts racing and the fear i placed my jar in his hands and my words were "please look after it and give me time and never break the jar". The other jar is our feel good jar and want to fill this with all the good things in our relationship."
"Some people`s lives seem to flow in a narrative; mine had many stops and starts. That`s what trauma does. It interrupts the plot. You can`t process it because it doesn`t fit with what came before or what comes afterwards." - Jessica Stern