“To love or not to love:

Im honestly a trainwreck when it comes to relationships. its like a schoool subject i was never good at and no matter how i hard it tried i still could not master it.

I had some pretty crap men in my life, the three main relationships i had came with highs and lows, some blessings, some lessons.

I never had great teacher to show me how to be a partner instead i was raised in dsyfunction and i vowed i never be like that, i wanted the love you see on cartoons or movies learnt pretty fast that was all just make believe and complete crap. When you have idea of how you like to have a relationship its planted and then it becomes a huge diaspointment and to be fair i asked more times then i count why bother.

What do you do you do when someone comes along at the wrong time in your relationship, theres the click, the support, somewhat understanding of the hell your been through, then you need to add the next big thing “Oh by the way im chronically ill and live with pain”.  Navigating through the distance, lifes challanges and build this amazing friendship, the click, the spark, so much conversation, non stop flirting, adventures awaits us and then it smacks you this guy is the total opposite of you and just cant get the emotional connection, lack of intimacy as much as i care about this person i realisticlly just dont have the energy or the time for someone who cant put me first and continues to not listen. Some time apart life brings us back together and we have the hard conversation and continue to navigate through things.

I had to work really hard on myself and get some much needed help with various areas of my life, some days are hard, some days are messy, some days a great and life is going the right direction and its been along time since i have felt settled and grounded.

Latley i have been really struggling with how i feel about things and torn between staying or leaving. I never experienced a man been so emotionally detached, no intimacy there is nothing most of the time it feels like we just friends or flatmates, conversations are getting less any time together is non exsisent, going to bed everynight more confused then the last, more attention and conversation goes to others and i dont really know how much i have left in the tank to keep going.

It took a few triggers, lack of intrest and sneaky behaviour for me to decide to put some boundaries in to protect my self but also for him to step up and take some action and accountabilty, hes doing some much needed counsling and got some support, im feeling like there no action been taken and when he does have time the things he should be doing are just not getting done.

• I ask my self alot lately am i expecting to much ?
• I ask my self  how much more do i have left in me ?
• I ask my self does is actually attracted me ?

The sad part is the journey i have been on the last 2 years has made me relize a few things. The more i heal, the more i grow as person, then more i know my worth, the more i know how i should be treated the more im happy with just loving me and doing life on my own. I dont want to have to fight anymore to be in some ones life, i dont just want to hang on, i dont just want ordinay, why because i have done so much for the wrong people and wasted many years on the wrong people.

Im really stuck in the in between