Wandering thoughts

It’s Sunday here in New Zealand, pretty much dinner time. As the day is coming to a end, I’m doing my weekly reflection something I just started and putting your self in a quite area, I have always music going it takes me to place of calm, I never focus on the bad more of ok how can I do that differently, always look at what I have achieved and the things that I found a real struggle.

My first reflection is on how life can change quickly, the more you heal, as your mind changes your sending different vibes out, I have been asking my self latley:

  • What does love feel like ?
  • What is love ?
  • How I want a relationship ?
  • How the heck do you date with multiple illness ?

As I’m figuring this out and as I heal and change the way I see a relationship and how to have a healthy relationship, as I not done well on that front and have taken some serious mental notes from my last serious three relationships. I deserve the best and to be treated with respect and have someone actually be obssed with me and have a understanding and connection from start. I will never allow another guy to disrespect me or put a hand on me and most of taken a piece of me.

I’m left with this exciting feeling and knots in the tummy, things I not felt before, so what is this I ask?, It’s amazing feeling to be able to talk about your illnesses, life your struggles and they want to listen, they take the time to make you feel special, a simple text can put a smile on your face, I don’t know where this will go but I’m pretty excited to find out and what’s the worst that could happen gain a new best friend.

Maybe this is the feeling ??

Reflection two is about how flawed and how my emotions were shaken about. Even thou my relationship ended I still keep on my exs son, the sad part about this in four years I did more for them then there own father and yesterday I learnt how selfish someone can be. My step son lives with my daughter and their partners and we have been going through alot with him, yesterday this kids snaps and decides that life’s not Worth living let alone the abuse that spews out of his mouth at his partner, sadly it’s a huge trigger and my aniexty levels go up that is exactly what my life was the insults, yelling, crying,hurt and feeling trapped all came back, my heart breaks because she has accepted that’s ok, currently the situation is I had him sectioned under the mental health act and in a mental ward getting some much needed help, he’s so angry at me for doing it, and not once did his dad make contact and even show a sign of care, this poor child never had chance even before he was born exposed to drugs and alcohol raised by his grandparents, mum never to be seen and the dad can’t be bothered there so much hate and this kid has carried for years, I’m grateful he’s still here but has long way to go, I know our mental health system needs a overhaul and major resources as the system is broken.

Reflection three is something my shrink said that’s played on my mind, he’s been telling me I don’t need to be busy all the time and take time to rest. Hmmm what does he mean by that. That night I did my normal, I switched off had my music playing, my happy medicine,doing my reflecting and then it clicked this is what he means by rest. I want to really stress how important it is even if it it’s only hour, put the phone down and and actually switch off, it’s amazing what it can do for your mind and give you a better sleep, it’s good time to think about life and goals or just to refocus. Today is the start of rest Sundays I have had not much choice today because of my pain levels, I have enjoyed listening to music, happy medicine, couple drinks, Netflix and added bonus dinner was cooked for me, I was able to rest and reflect my week the highs the lows and my achievements. I strongly recommend to make a day for your self and rest and forget about the world.

Take note

That’s me done for another week and looking forward to many more conversations with Mr spunk, recharged for the gym and one assessment to complete, website to finish. Everyone have a amazing week and stay positive and don’t forget to rest.

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